They're not just for walking on in your house, office, apartment, or
other enclosure.
It seems that I'm really good at seeing my own flaws. Lately, other
people have been interested in pointing out some of my flaws to me, as
though I were somehow unaware of them. I'm so glad people are so
interested in me now that they feel I need to work particularly hard in
these areas. I suppose that I should work on these.
But really, I don't need others to point out my flaws. I'm quite
constantly aware of what I do wrong, what I'm incapable of, and where I
fall far short of any kind of perfection or even adequacy in many areas.
These things are always before me, rarely if ever sinking below the
periphery of my consciousness. As time progresses, the tally on the
negative side grows ever fuller, while the only thing on the positive
side that grows seems to be cobwebs. That's not entirely true, of
course, as the only positive thing I do is lead Bible study Sunday
mornings. But that's not anything about me, and it's all about God. I
merely try to remain open to the Spirit's leading in this. And I guess
that's worth something.
Still, though, I don't know why I can't hold on to anything positive in
my life. Part of it is never having gotten any kind of positive
reinforcement growing up, so much so that the little bit I receive now
is like throwing a drop of gasoline into a 55-gallon vat: it's there but
disappears rather quickly, effectively doing nothing. I can see for
others all the great things about them, but for me... nothing.
I had a whole litany of things related to this, but, alas, the train has
left the tracks.
Friday, December 31, 2004
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Welcome Home!
I've been away at the parents house in MS (that's Mississippi, not
Missouri). It was a fun time and a much needed rest. I drove back today,
and I'm pretty tired and wiped out. Clark (the cat) enjoyed the trip, or
at least he appeared to enjoy it. He just goes to sleep on my lap and
lets me pet him the whole way.
A new year is coming up. I'm not sure what's in store (who is?), but I'm
really hoping 2005 is a better year than 2004. At least I'll stop being
40 in May of next year, so maybe I can get out of this horrible
useless/worthless funk I've been in. I want to lose weight (I really
need to lose weight). I want to get out of debt, but barring winning the
lottery, even a nice-paying job will not allow me to get out of debt in
2005 (I'm only looking at what could be realistic for me to get, not a
$150K/yr job--that would rock!). Don't start down that rocky road of
debt: it's the gift that keeps on taking.
Anyway, I'll have to figure out what I want to do. I don't set New Years
Resolutions, but I probably should set some goals, said setting of goals
coincidentally occurring at the beginning of the year.
That's all I feel like writing at the moment. Enjoy yourselves, and
maybe, just maybe, I'll be a little more prolific in blogging.
Missouri). It was a fun time and a much needed rest. I drove back today,
and I'm pretty tired and wiped out. Clark (the cat) enjoyed the trip, or
at least he appeared to enjoy it. He just goes to sleep on my lap and
lets me pet him the whole way.
A new year is coming up. I'm not sure what's in store (who is?), but I'm
really hoping 2005 is a better year than 2004. At least I'll stop being
40 in May of next year, so maybe I can get out of this horrible
useless/worthless funk I've been in. I want to lose weight (I really
need to lose weight). I want to get out of debt, but barring winning the
lottery, even a nice-paying job will not allow me to get out of debt in
2005 (I'm only looking at what could be realistic for me to get, not a
$150K/yr job--that would rock!). Don't start down that rocky road of
debt: it's the gift that keeps on taking.
Anyway, I'll have to figure out what I want to do. I don't set New Years
Resolutions, but I probably should set some goals, said setting of goals
coincidentally occurring at the beginning of the year.
That's all I feel like writing at the moment. Enjoy yourselves, and
maybe, just maybe, I'll be a little more prolific in blogging.
Monday, December 20, 2004
Friday, December 17, 2004
Randomness
My parents bought me a new washing machine for Christmas. I finally got
it Wednesday (long story). I love my new washing machine. I think I'll
marry it.
In an effort to allow the people to finally deliver the washing machine,
I've done a little cleaning up. Wow, it's amazing how much a little
cleaning up can make a difference.
it Wednesday (long story). I love my new washing machine. I think I'll
marry it.
In an effort to allow the people to finally deliver the washing machine,
I've done a little cleaning up. Wow, it's amazing how much a little
cleaning up can make a difference.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Untitled, of Course
I hope to make this a short one. Though anything posted is better than nothing, right? Or you might think I'm really better off not adding any more inanity or banality to the world. I wouldn't blame you. And yet I kvetch on.
My last two or three postings I've dictated with my VR software. Physically typing is so much more cumbersome, especially when you have to type almost everything twice. Everything gets done twice with my VR software, but the extent of my involvement is saying, "Correct that <pause> Choose 2". Much less tiresome than typing everything twice.
Movies of late:
Girl, Interrupted
Excellent movie. Having gone through depression (and maybe still in its throes), I can relate to what was going on.
The Great Santini (1979)
Also a pretty good movie starring Robert Duvall. Some of the scenes are pretty intense, even by today's standards.
Magnolia
What's it about? It's about three hours. Really. I'm not sure how much better to describe it. Tom Cruise did an excellent job, though he was his usual angry young man. Though his character espoused many things I totally disagree with, not all of what he said was necessarily bad or untrue. Who does decide that men are automatically bad or wrong? There were lots of interesting parts to the movie, and I'm not sure I would classify this a "good" movie yet, but I can see that it has its charm and might make it into my collection one day. I think the funniest part, at least to me being a comic book fan, was when Tom Cruise was standing there posing in just his underwear talking about being Batman or Superman. I just laughed at the image of the traditional view of superhero garb being realized on someone saying he was a superhero. (That's for those of you who didn't make the connection.)
Music:
I recently bought some CDs, the first in several months:
Fat Boy Slim
<can't remember the title>
Fun stuff, though I've heard most of the songs elsewhere.
U2
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
Pretty good stuff from the Irish lads, though one of the songs seems anti-Semitic to me, that Israel should just unilaterally stop defending itself. Maybe I'm hearing it wrong. I'll have to check back in on that one.
Matt Redman
Facedown
Worship music like I like it, with an edge. Again, not just cookie cutter "worship" genre music.
The Donnas
<can't remember the title>
"Chicks who rock". Lots of fun.
Apt Core
Apt Core 2
Not the album I was looking for. Either a different Apt Core album, or I'm looking for a Cathedral of Sound album. Update 12/17: I just realized this album is on backorder from BMG, so I haven't heard it yet. It's amazing what you can convince yourself is true sometimes. Stupid BMG for not carrying a greater selection. It's taken me months to be able to find four CDs I wanted to buy. (Of course, not having that much money beyond comics and DVDs might have a little to do with it, too.)
Okay, so this turned out longer than I anticipated. They always do.
My last two or three postings I've dictated with my VR software. Physically typing is so much more cumbersome, especially when you have to type almost everything twice. Everything gets done twice with my VR software, but the extent of my involvement is saying, "Correct that <pause> Choose 2". Much less tiresome than typing everything twice.
Movies of late:
Girl, Interrupted
Excellent movie. Having gone through depression (and maybe still in its throes), I can relate to what was going on.
The Great Santini (1979)
Also a pretty good movie starring Robert Duvall. Some of the scenes are pretty intense, even by today's standards.
Magnolia
What's it about? It's about three hours. Really. I'm not sure how much better to describe it. Tom Cruise did an excellent job, though he was his usual angry young man. Though his character espoused many things I totally disagree with, not all of what he said was necessarily bad or untrue. Who does decide that men are automatically bad or wrong? There were lots of interesting parts to the movie, and I'm not sure I would classify this a "good" movie yet, but I can see that it has its charm and might make it into my collection one day. I think the funniest part, at least to me being a comic book fan, was when Tom Cruise was standing there posing in just his underwear talking about being Batman or Superman. I just laughed at the image of the traditional view of superhero garb being realized on someone saying he was a superhero. (That's for those of you who didn't make the connection.)
Music:
I recently bought some CDs, the first in several months:
Fat Boy Slim
<can't remember the title>
Fun stuff, though I've heard most of the songs elsewhere.
U2
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
Pretty good stuff from the Irish lads, though one of the songs seems anti-Semitic to me, that Israel should just unilaterally stop defending itself. Maybe I'm hearing it wrong. I'll have to check back in on that one.
Matt Redman
Facedown
Worship music like I like it, with an edge. Again, not just cookie cutter "worship" genre music.
The Donnas
<can't remember the title>
"Chicks who rock". Lots of fun.
Apt Core
Apt Core 2
Okay, so this turned out longer than I anticipated. They always do.
Friday, December 10, 2004
A Fun Night
I met with my friends Mikal, John, Alberto, and Doug at a local
Starbucks. Not the one on that block, but the next block from there.
Yeah, that's right, that one. Oh, no, not that one; you're thinking the
one two blocks down. It's the one on the western side of the mall, not
the northwest corner.
Anyway, it was fun to just hang with some friends with no agenda, no
planned curriculum. Just five friends getting together to bum around.
We will pick a better venue than Starbucks next time. We are Baptist,
after all, and food must be consumed!
Starbucks. Not the one on that block, but the next block from there.
Yeah, that's right, that one. Oh, no, not that one; you're thinking the
one two blocks down. It's the one on the western side of the mall, not
the northwest corner.
Anyway, it was fun to just hang with some friends with no agenda, no
planned curriculum. Just five friends getting together to bum around.
We will pick a better venue than Starbucks next time. We are Baptist,
after all, and food must be consumed!
Thursday, December 02, 2004
An Answer of Sorts
Finally, another posting in a seemingly decreasing interest in writing this blog. It's not that I'm not interested in writing the blog, but when I come up with things to write I nowhere near computer. And by the time I get to one where I can actually write (meaning when I get home), I've completely forgotten anything I had thought about writing. I've had thoughts about Thanksgiving, going to see National Treasure, the death of Dick Ebersol's and Susan St. James' son in that horrible plane crash, the sheer lack of ability to write, and I'm sure there were many other things that I could have written about but never got to. I have a little micro cassette recorder that isn't being used right now, and I should put to use. It's not that you're interested in reading it, but that I'm interested in remembering it.
Anyway, we had our Men's Life meeting yesterday after skipping a week for Thanksgiving. I don't know how much I've talked about this group, but we've looked at father wounds, the too-attached-to-Mom wound, and the all-alone wound (which truly applies to me). Then yesterday, we talked about the final wound, the wound that almost everyone invariably has: the depravity wound. Right offhand, I can't speak too much about it as far as what it means; this was the first of three meetings about it. What we did talk about, however, really hit home. One of the passages we read was Rom. 7, where Paul talked about not doing what he knew he should and doing the things he knew he shouldn't. Other than teaching Sunday school, I can't think of anything positive in my life, nothing worthwhile. I breathe oxygen pretty well, and I have a semi-impressive DVD collection. Other than that, I'm pretty stumped.
For several months now, I've been aware of this darkness within, this darkness that I can't seem to overcome, and apparently a darkness I haven't seen fit to let God into sufficiently to take care of it. I'm really looking forward to hearing more about this because this darkness is just really killing me. It's debilitating and, and I can't imagine hating myself much more than I do. I know God loves me, but it's not a matter of love him. I know God declares me worthy, and that is where my main failing comes. I cannot see anything of worth of my life, and it seems to me that there should be something I can look at, something I can see or point to that I can declare to myself, "you have demonstrated worthiness". And maybe that's part of the problem, that I'm trying to find this, and it's the wrong thing to look for.
I'm such a mess, and I certainly see no way out of it under my own power.
Anyway, we had our Men's Life meeting yesterday after skipping a week for Thanksgiving. I don't know how much I've talked about this group, but we've looked at father wounds, the too-attached-to-Mom wound, and the all-alone wound (which truly applies to me). Then yesterday, we talked about the final wound, the wound that almost everyone invariably has: the depravity wound. Right offhand, I can't speak too much about it as far as what it means; this was the first of three meetings about it. What we did talk about, however, really hit home. One of the passages we read was Rom. 7, where Paul talked about not doing what he knew he should and doing the things he knew he shouldn't. Other than teaching Sunday school, I can't think of anything positive in my life, nothing worthwhile. I breathe oxygen pretty well, and I have a semi-impressive DVD collection. Other than that, I'm pretty stumped.
For several months now, I've been aware of this darkness within, this darkness that I can't seem to overcome, and apparently a darkness I haven't seen fit to let God into sufficiently to take care of it. I'm really looking forward to hearing more about this because this darkness is just really killing me. It's debilitating and, and I can't imagine hating myself much more than I do. I know God loves me, but it's not a matter of love him. I know God declares me worthy, and that is where my main failing comes. I cannot see anything of worth of my life, and it seems to me that there should be something I can look at, something I can see or point to that I can declare to myself, "you have demonstrated worthiness". And maybe that's part of the problem, that I'm trying to find this, and it's the wrong thing to look for.
I'm such a mess, and I certainly see no way out of it under my own power.
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