Marriage

As a child, I never doubted I would get married. Today, at 40 and closing in on 41, I can't imagine getting married. Ever. I'm not against marriage; I think it's a great institution: Anyone considering it should be institutionalized (thank you, Mr. Marx).

For the most part, I think I could be a good husband. Kind, considerate, caring, thoughtful, helpful, etc. But I don't want to just be a girlfriend with a penis. I don't want a roommate situation. And I can't offer myself completely, because I believe I'm such a horrible person. I'm not completely horrible, but enough that I can't imagine anyone staying in love with me and wanting to stay with me. Once she gets to know me more, she's out the door. When (not if) I disappoint her deeply, well, I couldn't bear causing that much pain to someone. And I wouldn't blame her for leaving. At the same time, I could not handle her leaving, not so much the fact that she left but that I caused her to leave.

The recognition of this came while reading Blue Like Jazz; there's a chapter in there where he talks about this very thing. That's the most resonant thing in the book for me at this time. I know there are no guarantees in life.

That happens a lot to me: I have these unexpressed feelings or longings, and someone comes along that expresses exactly what I have been unable to verbalize.

But there is another part to this whole idea of non-marriage for me, seated solely in my own fears, but kind of backed by painful experience. There are various things about me that one could make fun of, including but not limited to my weight. And I couldn't handle the teasing about it (or any of the other things to which I am overly sensitive). Nor could I handle knowing the gossip going on. I know not all women are that way, but far too many are. And I just don't trust 'em, not even the good ones. Not enough to consider that marriage might be worthwhile for me.

Hey, marriage isn't for everyone. Anyone that tells you everyone should be married, that "everybody has somebody", is just plain lying to you. They're well-intentioned and all, but they know not of what they speak. Marriage isn't a guarantee for anyone. Marriage is for most people; otherwise, there wouldn't be too many people around. But it's not for everyone.

And now the monitor

So, last night (Friday night), I was bopping along reading email, newsletters, etc., when my monitor went wonky. Now, darker elements on the screen cause darker bands to appear the full width of the screen. I't still legible, but all the text is ghosted, and there are random bands everywhere. I kind of expected better from ViewSonic. I mean, this monitor is just around three years old. If only I could afford an LCD monitor at the resolution I would like (1600x1200). Sadly, even another 19" monitor is kind of out of the question.

Man, I hate debt. Avoid it if at all possible (house and car don't count — at least you have something to show for it).

What a Praise!

This morning, I was about to prepare to send a really important email
when the power went out. My computer would not come back on. It would go
through memory count, keyboard and mouse recognition, and one more step
(that I can't recall at the moment, but it's not a big thing), and then
it just froze -- no hard drive noise, no beeps, only the whirring of the
fan.

My heart was shattered.

I went into the bathroom to take my shower and get to work, but I stood
in the doorway and cried for two minutes. I can't really afford to buy a
new computer, and I didn't know what it would take to get this running.
I poured my heart out to God about it. I felt calmly relieved after
doing that. Pouring one's heart out to God is a good thing; I think He
wants that reality from us.

I asked some people who know God pretty well to pray for my computer. I
prayed about it, too. When I got home from work, I prayed some more but
watched "Sledge Hammer" on DVD, then "Malcolm in the Middle", and did a
Gazelle workout. Then I prayed some more. I went to my computer in my
bedroom, sat down, prayed again, and pushed the power button. I hit
Escape so I could watch the startup sequence: memory, keyboard, mouse,
<that thing I can't remember>, then Norton Anti-Virus started up (which
I didn't see this morning), then a message about updating installed
software, then "Starting Windows 98" (yes, it's old -- sue me), and my
desktop came up. I sat here dumb-founded.

I was trying to figure out why I was so shocked it came up after all the
prayer that went into it. And I realized I wasn't shocked that it came
up; I was shocked at how relieved I was, all my thoughts of how to
manage this fiasco just went up in a puff of smoke, figuratively.

THANK YOU, GOD!!!

(2005-Jan-15: btw, this was sent to the mail-in posting on Tuesday, 2005-Jan-11, about 11:30pm and didn't show up until Friday morning. not sure if it's my ISP or blogger)

Blockbuster

So, Blockbuster has forgone late fees. Now, if you keep your video over
the two weeks, the video is yours -- at full retail price. Thank you so
much, Blockbuster. How kind of you. Oh, they will take the video back
for some kind of hefty fee.

Remember, less is more.

Still on the Blockbuster tirade, now they're looking to take over
Hollywood Video. What a sad day that will be, should it come to pass.
Blockbuster is a dying giant, and they want to destroy as many people as
they can. Does Hollywood Video pose that much of a threat to
Blockbuster? Here in Houston, Blockbuster stores outnumber Hollywood
Video stores about 3 to 1, at least that I can see. The workers at
Hollywood Video seem to be nicer; maybe that's what it is. Blockbuster
reminds me of a small-town beauty queen who moves to the big city and
finds out she can't really compete any more, so she turns outwardly mean
and nasty (she was always mean and nasty, but she's showing her true
colors now).

Remember, more is less.

(2005/01/03) In support of this, check out this article: Ars Technica Article