Marriage

As a child, I never doubted I would get married. Today, at 40 and closing in on 41, I can't imagine getting married. Ever. I'm not against marriage; I think it's a great institution: Anyone considering it should be institutionalized (thank you, Mr. Marx).

For the most part, I think I could be a good husband. Kind, considerate, caring, thoughtful, helpful, etc. But I don't want to just be a girlfriend with a penis. I don't want a roommate situation. And I can't offer myself completely, because I believe I'm such a horrible person. I'm not completely horrible, but enough that I can't imagine anyone staying in love with me and wanting to stay with me. Once she gets to know me more, she's out the door. When (not if) I disappoint her deeply, well, I couldn't bear causing that much pain to someone. And I wouldn't blame her for leaving. At the same time, I could not handle her leaving, not so much the fact that she left but that I caused her to leave.

The recognition of this came while reading Blue Like Jazz; there's a chapter in there where he talks about this very thing. That's the most resonant thing in the book for me at this time. I know there are no guarantees in life.

That happens a lot to me: I have these unexpressed feelings or longings, and someone comes along that expresses exactly what I have been unable to verbalize.

But there is another part to this whole idea of non-marriage for me, seated solely in my own fears, but kind of backed by painful experience. There are various things about me that one could make fun of, including but not limited to my weight. And I couldn't handle the teasing about it (or any of the other things to which I am overly sensitive). Nor could I handle knowing the gossip going on. I know not all women are that way, but far too many are. And I just don't trust 'em, not even the good ones. Not enough to consider that marriage might be worthwhile for me.

Hey, marriage isn't for everyone. Anyone that tells you everyone should be married, that "everybody has somebody", is just plain lying to you. They're well-intentioned and all, but they know not of what they speak. Marriage isn't a guarantee for anyone. Marriage is for most people; otherwise, there wouldn't be too many people around. But it's not for everyone.