Gone

It's been a while since I last posted.

My father passed away at 4:30 a.m. on May 6, 2008. I went home May 2 (after watching Iron Man) not so much to say goodbye as to let him know I was there and be a support for my mother. And to be there with him. I often downplay my role in anything, like this wasn't about me. But then I realized, this was about all three of us: my mom, my dad, and me. We're a family, and this happened to all us, not just him or her or them.

And I haven't known completely how to grieve; I've mostly been just numb. For my father's sake, we're glad he's not suffering any longer. (Those last few days, when the medical staff were administering morphine for pain management, we discovered the morphine was 40% effective at best, as his veins were collapsing or infection was blocking the central line.) We had hoped, of course, that he would recover from the brain cancer, but we also knew it was an uphill battle. And we're confident he's in heaven now, glorifying Jesus.

On Memorial Day, I hadn't gone to sleep until 5:30 a.m. from the night before, and I had a dream that my cat (Clark) was killed in an explosion. It was framed as an angry woman dressed all in red planting explosives in a house as revenge against the home owner. Clark ran away from the house but returned the next morning. I had to leave Clark at the house to go take care of some business, and then the house exploded (I was a couple of miles away but heard the explosion). Someone told me the house exploded; I asked about the homeowner and was told he wasn't even around. Then I asked about Clark and was told he didn't make it.

In my dream, I began weeping and wailing for what seemed like hours. Loudly. Very loudly. I woke up weeping and wailing, and I immediately looked for Clark (he was at the foot of the bed, breathing). Then, I realized the dream wasn't about Clark at all but about my father (just in case you didn't pick up on that bit). And I wept for another 30 minutes or so until I just ran out of tears. God assured me that I would have plenty more times to cry for him, and that it's all good. And I have cried quite a few times since then.

My mom and I miss him terribly.