Tonight, I went to dinner with my upstairs neighbor, Karen, whom I've known about as long as she's been in Houston (I beat her here by two years). I had mentioned something about my previous job, that when I started, I could see five years, then blackness for a while, then an unknown period (which, you would think blackness is unknown, but it had a totally different quality, this unknown period, like it was being masked from me because it was too early to see, that it would be too much information for me to handle at the time -- this I've just realized now, not then).
I remarked to her that I did indeed work at my previous job for five years (actually, 5-½ years, but five years from the point of seeing), and that I now perceive that I'm in blackness in my life, with nothing seeming to go right, I can't make heads or tails of my life, I don't like my job a whole lot (that's why they call it work, right, because otherwise you'd do it for free), and I can't see any future beyond this present bleakness.
She asked if I considered myself a prophet, and if I had visions like that often. I thought for a second, and then realized I've had lots of prophetic things in my life, so I said simply, "yes", but I hadn't had but a handful of visions. Further, I told her that on a recent spiritual gifts survey, prophecy came out as my top gift, followed by teaching and wisdom, and that being in a Southern Baptist church really helps me put that prophetic gift to work.
I then told her about a friend of mine, Larry, who told me it was no wonder satan was camped at my doorstep telling me all these horrible things about myself. When Larry told me this, I told him that I didn't know how much of it was satan and how much of it was just me recognizing who I am. This thought passed through my mind tonight when I was telling the rest to Karen (but I didn't share this particular thought with her), that I still don't know how much of it is satan and how much of it is just me. And I asked this question internally, "Is this really from satan?" For the first time, I heard an answer, "yes," and then the afterthought, "no one thinks any of these horrible things of you; no one!"
I might not yet have won or succeeded in all I would like to do, and I have made many, many bad decisions, but I'm not a loser, a failure, or a waste of oxygen/carbon dioxide processing because of these things. I think I can have hope for my life (almost as much hope as I have for everyone else) that it will be more than just living out the consequences of my sinful decisions. I think there can be God bringing about good things in others' lives through me despite myself. That is my greatest desire, that people will see not just what a difference God can make in their lives, but what a difference He has made in their lives. And I'd like to be in on it, not so they will know it was me and think highly of me, but so I can make sure they know it was God Who has done for them. [This still isn't quite the right nuance of it, but it escapes me at the moment. This is close enough for now.]
I truly want to believe this, and I at least have some hope of actually believing it now.
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Do you know the hymn "There is a Fountain?" Well, it's one of my favorites. Once, during a very dark season in my life, God used the words in that hymn to speak to me in a very powerful way. Helped to remind me Christ's redemptive work on the cross.
Anyways, I'm not commenting to tell you all about the hymn, but rather, the guy who wrote the hymn-Mr. Cowper. All his life he struggeled with an intense and deabilatating depression. His best friend, John Newton (writer of Amazing Grace)always strove to encourage him and help him in his fight for joy. Mr. Cowper felt unworthy and uselesss, and constantly was down on himself. Mr. Newton helped him greatly, but it was a constant struggle for Mr. Cowper--all the way till the day he died.
I was totally amazed when I read that account. Mr. Cowper's hymns have touched millions--to God's glory...if only he had known. I know that I for one, am indebted to the man, and when I get to Heaven, I'm going to thank him.
It's so amazing how God works His beautiful and perfect plan through such imperfect creatures. We can't thwart His purpose for our lives. I think that's a good cause to rejoice!
God most definitly does bring about good things in other peoples' lives through the life of just one, and then He is glorified in us.
That's really interesting about the prophet gift. I know that's not my gift!
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