From Sunday

These were some thoughts I had shortly after I woke up Sunday morning. I didn't have a chance to get them posted then or yesterday, but no time like the present, right?

I had the question pass through my mind: Does God ever fail anyone?

To answer this, you need to define what it means to fail. I think solely in human terms relative to God, the answer turns out to be, "Yes." This is largely based upon the expectations we have of God. And our primary comprehension of God is a super Santa Claus or a big human being. He's there to give us what we want. This is clearly a case of mistaken identity. God is so far beyond our comprehension. What we want and desire, while not irrelevant as far as God is concerned, is so far beyond the point of what He chooses to do in our lives, should we allow Him to do so. In this sense, God is not the one who has failed; it is we who have failed to comprehend how other God is.

I think the only possible way we can consider that God might fail us is when He appears to be silent. I went through over a year of unemployment, and there were indeed some quiet times for me. I'd read, I'd pray, but nothing appeared to happen. Most people would say nothing happened, but I can't say what did or didn't happen as a result of what I went through. Did God hear my prayers? I'm sure that He did. Was He unmoved? I can't say. It would appear He said, "No", but maybe it was "wait". How can we claim to know that our prayer was unanswered until we have a resounding "No"? Could not God be working even now to answer those prayers in the timing He knows is best? Ultimately, I think this is also a misunderstanding of Who God is.

The other thing I was thinking about... well, a little background on me and my personality. I'm pretty shy and quiet; I'm used to being by myself since I am an only child and there were no other children in my neighborhood. In school (and church, even), I was picked on, teased mercilessly, and called all kinds of names. I never fit in with any group, and even today at 40, I still feel like I'm not a part of any group. Not that I'm teased now, but old lessons die hard. To let someone in is virtually an impossibility for me, though I have done it after knowing someone for a long time. To trust someone is pretty hard for me. To think that someone could actually care about me is even more difficult. So, when I've needed help with something, it's usually gone undone until I absolutely couldn't take care of it myself. And asking for help with something was a great stressor in my life.

But, when someone actually helped me with something, my heart sang, for here was someone that thought enough of me to put off what they wanted or needed to do and help me out with whatever it was I needed. And the help provided, while appreciated, was not the reason I was happy, but the spending time with me, that's what I remember. Spending time with me is my second love language. The first one I've resigned myself to never experiencing; once or twice a year for someone to tell me I'm okay and worthwhile is more than I can expect, but it will have to do. I guess this ties in with the second one, that to spend time with me tells me I am worthwhile.

Upcoming movies

Paprazzi: just watching the first trailer of this movie a few weeks ago sent my blood pressure soaring. I'm not sure I could stand to watch a whole movie based on this story. All these reporters think they have a right to do whatever they want and exercise no responsibility in the process. Yes, celebrities can't expect totally privacy; that's a part of gaining the fame that makes them celebrities. However, being a celebrity does not entitle one's life to be a total open book, with stories free for the taking or (more usual) exploiting. There can be a reasonable trade-off, I'm sure, without raising the ire of any parties or endangering anyone's lives. Of course, that requires respect. And in this day of every person for himself, that's going to be pretty hard to do. It would actually involve putting one's own desires and wants lower in priority than someone else's. One can hope, anyway.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: I have been looking so forward to this movie since I first saw the preview months and months ago. I was extremely sad when Paramount pushed it from June 25 to September 17. The art deco look, the old-style serial feel to the story, and a surprise guest villain, WOW! All of these pieces should work together to make something even better. This movie is going to be a ton of fun, something too many people fail to look for in a movie. Not every movie produced can further the cause of art or be a "serious statement" on the nature of humanity.

keyboards and such

I saw a hair sticking up out of my keyboard tonight. I know that sounds
extremely disgusting, but it's just a fact of life. I couldn't manage to
get hold of the frolicsome follicle, so, I thought I would see if I
could pop out the key and pull the hair. The key popped off easy enough,
but I was greeted by far more than a single hair. Blech! I'm going to
have to do some heavy duty key popping this weekend or something to
thoroughly clean my keyboard. If only I could put on a blindfold or
similar device to do the cleaning.

I watched the next two episodes of RahXephon (disc 5) this evening. (I
turned it off to watch the news and King of the Hill.) Finally, the
series answered more questions than it raised. It's been kind of
frustrating trying to figure out what's been going on in this series. Up
to now, every time it seemed to be headed off in a single direction, it
would splinter into five or six sub-plots all interwoven and mixed up,
none of which seemed to be pursued for any length of time. With that
being said, it seems odd to say that I could tell the story was
advancing (very hyperbolic in nature), and this is what kept me going.
That, and the animation is nicely done. I hope it continues to resolve
plot lines.

I got the next disc of Invader Zim. I'm so looking forward to watching
it. I promised myself that I would finish RahXephon before watching it.
But I want more Gir. And Dib. And Zim. Those are all the important ones
to me; not that I dislike the rest of the characters, but these are the
best ones, of course.

Visions on the Waste land

Last Friday, I was in a particularly low place. Considering my life a total waste is pretty low -- not suicide low, but low nonetheless. Sunday night after church and a meeting, I talked with two people I trust to speak to me on such topics (Thanks muchly, James and Rob!!!!). While I didn't pour out my heart, I let enough out that caught the mood of where I was.

You see, pretty much all of my life I've felt that I've had nothing to offer, that I was pretty much useless, unlovable, and irrelevant. After 40 years of that, it's quite difficult to step beyond that set of thoughts. And with Friday came a great confluence of events and thoughts that led me to the "waste" posting. And, what is more, it seemed that nothing was ever going to change.

After thinking about all that was discussed and praying about it, I had a -M-A-J-O-R- -R-E-V-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-. I came to realize that I do indeed have some kind of talents to offer, that I'm not totally useless, and that while I might not be or feel totally relevant, some people seem to enjoy my existence. Once I realized that, then it was almost a natural progression to the -M-A-J-O-R- -R-E-V-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-: while God has granted me gifts and talents, I'm not currently in a position where others can truly appreciate what I have to offer.

You cannot believe how different this is for me to think or accept. I've never managed to have a truly independent thought as to my (positive) worth. I know God considers me of great worth. I can read that and accept that He thinks that of me, but where does that actually intersect with my life? I still don't know, but I know it does intersect. That's a pretty major transition for me!

AFV

You know, a host can really make a difference on a show. As badly
maligned as Bob Sagett was hosting America's Funniest Videos, it took
ABC several years and rounds of hosts before they could find someone
capable of doing a good job. I don't like Tom Bergeron as much as Bob
Sagett, but he's acceptable. Anywayz, I watched the second half of the
300th episode tonight, and I saw what I consider to be the absolutely
funniest video I can recall from this show: a kid is playing with his
pet mouse outside; the dad told him to put the mouse on top of the cage,
which the kid dutifully does. The mouse wanders around the top of the
cage looking over the edge to see if it's worth jumping. Suddenly, a
bird swoops in and carries the mouse off. Poor kid, but that was
hilarious. This is one of the funniest shows of AFV I've ever seen. I
guess being 300 episodes old, they have quite the selection. I want to
save this one for future viewing. If only I had a DVD burner....

The Stoking Place

In case you haven't figured out, I like movies. One day, I'd like to make a movie, but that's a different story.

I watched Boiler Room tonight, with Giovanni Ribisi, Vin Diesel, Nicky Katt, and Nia Long, among many, many others. This probably wound up in my queue at Netflix because it had Vin Diesel in it; he's actually a relatively minor player (Chris Varick), while Ribisi is the main guy (Seth Davis). He goes to work at a scam brokerage not realizing it's not totally legit (this is not a spoiler). Once he finds out, though, he's not terribly heartbroken. There is some interesting play between him and his dad, played by Ron Rifkin (who is just as mean, evil, and conniving here as in "Alias", and L. A. Confidential, too); I was actually shocked at one point (by Ribisi's character) -- you'll know it when it happens, should you decide to watch it.

Ben Affleck plays a 27 year old broker who still works at the house only because he's so good at his job; otherwise, he would be a has-been at his age in this company. The idea is to get 'em young and work 'em hard before they're old enough to know what they're doing. The lure of easy money (millions per year) is enough to hold any recognition of shadiness in their dealings at bay.

A couple of key points in the movie that really stuck out to me: 1) Davis asks Varick at one point why, if he makes so much money, does he still live at home with his mother; 2) a really nice line along the lines of, "My dad always told me my problem was my work ethic. My work ethic is not my problem; my problem is my ethics at work." Another important aspect of the movie is the rampant misogyny. These are boys in physically mature bodies, and women exist solely to serve their needs or do their dirty work. One woman (Nia Long as Abbie, the receptionist) has sold out any hope of being offended at anything said or done because the money is good. The only attempt at redemptive femininity is Davis' mother, who attempts to restore relations between her husband and wayward son as best she can.

This is an okay movie, neither stellar nor horrible. Lots of cussing that you would expect from a bunch of immature guys heady with the pursuit -- and achievement -- of high lucre. Overall, the story is interesting enough to hold your attention. It's not a pretty picture, but it is fairly successful at drawing you in, urging you to root for Davis.

We won't even talk about The Best Man. After forty minutes, I went to bed (exhaustion). And I decided I didn't need to see any more. The misogyny in this movie could be cut with a knife and makes Boiler Room seem like a movie based upon The Feminine Mystique or something. (And don't ask me how this movie wound up in my queue -- I'd say I was drunk when it entered the picture, but I've never been drunk. How about we just chalk it up to gremlins?)

A waste

That's what my life seems to be: a total waste.

I have fun sometimes. I can make people laugh sometimes (no longer at my own expense, either). But I can't do anything. especially not anything I would like to do. I suck at everything, it seems. I used to think I could do something, be something. Not just alas, but alas and alack, I was just fooling myself. Back when it mattered, I could have done most anything, but now....

At least God loves me, I guess.

Hideous and Inviting

Yesterday after I deposited my reimbursement check, I headed to Sam's to
buy my way cool shirt on tax-free weekend. I saw an H2, not an
attractive vehicle to begin with, and it was painted--get this--a
pearlescent lime green! It was hideous! And then it started to grow on
me. At the end of ten seconds, I decided it wasn't all that bad a color.
For an H2. It still scares me that I liked it. :::shiver:::

The Phantom Empire

This week, outside of my Netflix flicks (say that three times real fast), I've watched most of a serial entitled The Phantom Menace. This was part of a two-serial set I bought a Sam's (I also recently got a Sherlock Holmes set -- four movies!). Being from 1935, I didn't expect a great deal of depth or super special effects (everybody knows special effects didn't exist until Star Wars in 1976, right? but IMDb says that two guys worked on special effects -- something must be wrong).

Yes, it's cheesy; the video quality is pretty poor; the audio drops out occasionally; the effects are pretty minimal; the cliffhanger endings are cheated horribly; and the subtitles, if enabled, just show "AUDIO" occasionally rather than actual speaking parts, as though someone forgot to master the words onto the track. Well, it's a lot of fun.

I kept thinking while watching it, though, how could the story be updated and appeal to modern audiences? No singing cowboy (sorry, Mr. Autry, though you did okay for the time) for our day. Special effects can be better, for sure. For one, they could actually exist. Hey, if "The Outer Limits" can do okay with the serviceable yet unspectacular effects, we could probably do okay, too. The biggest problem would be to find a motivation for a bunch of kids to get together to form the Junior Thunder Riders. Okay, I'll stop now. (though I would love to develop my five-year plan for a TV version of Reign of Fire -- more dragons!)

What are You Watching?

Last night, I watched The Winslow Boy. It's a very good movie primarily about the relationship between a man in post-Victorian England and his three children, two boys and a girl. The youngest, 13-14 year old Ronnie, gets into trouble at the military school he attends and is expelled. He maintains his innocence throughout, and the whole family sacrifices to fight to prove his innocence in light of the seemingly incontrovertible evidence against him. The trials or hearings are essentially off-camera the entire movie and serve as the unifying force for the family, even the oldest brother, Dickie (the second movie in the past week with a character named "Dickie"; hmmm), giving up his position at Oxford. This movie is very character-driven, typical of virtually all of Mamet's works; if you're looking for action, take a Valium and the movie will seem very fast. [This should not be construed as an endorsement of the illicit use of drugs, or the use of illicit drugs.] I highly recommend this movie.

This evening, I watched two episodes of "Sledge Hammer" from the recently-released Season 1 DVD set. I laughed until I stopped. Truly.

-out

Short Bits

• Last Friday, I went to see The Village, M. Night Shyamalan's latest. Regardless of critics, I found the movie quite entertaining and captivating. Beautifully shot, very nice acting, compelling story, it had it all. Were there plot points that were messed up? Perhaps. How much of a stickler for detail are you? If you demand perfection, then you've really set yourself up for tremendous disappointment. Otherwise, go, have fun, be scared. But don't go into the woods. Please.
  
• Saturday, out of the blue, I found out I got a raise. WOW! I was completely shocked. And I had just prayed Friday or Saturday morning on the way into work, "God, I just can't handle having no more money. I can't get out of debt, and I can't even think about doing the other things you're calling me to without any money." If you're not in debt, stay away from it at any cost. If you're in it, you can commiserate with me. It's a horrible trap.
• Watched Teaching Mrs. Tingle tonight. Blech. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't really good, either. Individual parts were good, but combined it was less than the sum of its parts.
• I watched The Talented Mr. Ripley last week over the course of two or three nights. What a freaky and disturbing movie. Matt Damon was excellent in this, as were Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow.
• The third disc of "Rahxephon" came in from Netflix, and I was not horribly happy about it: it had only three episodes on the disc. Why? Disc one had five episodes, and disc two had four episodes. Will disc four have two episodes? I hope not. Anywayz, after watching my three episodes, I was terribly confused, which is not necessarily a difficult thing to do, but all the same, I was still confused. We'll see what happens with the rest of the series to see if it makes sense.