Flaws

They're not just for walking on in your house, office, apartment, or
other enclosure.

It seems that I'm really good at seeing my own flaws. Lately, other
people have been interested in pointing out some of my flaws to me, as
though I were somehow unaware of them. I'm so glad people are so
interested in me now that they feel I need to work particularly hard in
these areas. I suppose that I should work on these.

But really, I don't need others to point out my flaws. I'm quite
constantly aware of what I do wrong, what I'm incapable of, and where I
fall far short of any kind of perfection or even adequacy in many areas.
These things are always before me, rarely if ever sinking below the
periphery of my consciousness. As time progresses, the tally on the
negative side grows ever fuller, while the only thing on the positive
side that grows seems to be cobwebs. That's not entirely true, of
course, as the only positive thing I do is lead Bible study Sunday
mornings. But that's not anything about me, and it's all about God. I
merely try to remain open to the Spirit's leading in this. And I guess
that's worth something.

Still, though, I don't know why I can't hold on to anything positive in
my life. Part of it is never having gotten any kind of positive
reinforcement growing up, so much so that the little bit I receive now
is like throwing a drop of gasoline into a 55-gallon vat: it's there but
disappears rather quickly, effectively doing nothing. I can see for
others all the great things about them, but for me... nothing.

I had a whole litany of things related to this, but, alas, the train has
left the tracks.

Welcome Home!

I've been away at the parents house in MS (that's Mississippi, not
Missouri). It was a fun time and a much needed rest. I drove back today,
and I'm pretty tired and wiped out. Clark (the cat) enjoyed the trip, or
at least he appeared to enjoy it. He just goes to sleep on my lap and
lets me pet him the whole way.

A new year is coming up. I'm not sure what's in store (who is?), but I'm
really hoping 2005 is a better year than 2004. At least I'll stop being
40 in May of next year, so maybe I can get out of this horrible
useless/worthless funk I've been in. I want to lose weight (I really
need to lose weight). I want to get out of debt, but barring winning the
lottery, even a nice-paying job will not allow me to get out of debt in
2005 (I'm only looking at what could be realistic for me to get, not a
$150K/yr job--that would rock!). Don't start down that rocky road of
debt: it's the gift that keeps on taking.

Anyway, I'll have to figure out what I want to do. I don't set New Years
Resolutions, but I probably should set some goals, said setting of goals
coincidentally occurring at the beginning of the year.

That's all I feel like writing at the moment. Enjoy yourselves, and
maybe, just maybe, I'll be a little more prolific in blogging.

News

Please pray for this
Missing Boy.

Randomness

My parents bought me a new washing machine for Christmas. I finally got
it Wednesday (long story). I love my new washing machine. I think I'll
marry it.

In an effort to allow the people to finally deliver the washing machine,
I've done a little cleaning up. Wow, it's amazing how much a little
cleaning up can make a difference.

Untitled, of Course

I hope to make this a short one. Though anything posted is better than nothing, right? Or you might think I'm really better off not adding any more inanity or banality to the world. I wouldn't blame you. And yet I kvetch on.

My last two or three postings I've dictated with my VR software. Physically typing is so much more cumbersome, especially when you have to type almost everything twice. Everything gets done twice with my VR software, but the extent of my involvement is saying, "Correct that <pause> Choose 2". Much less tiresome than typing everything twice.

Movies of late:
Girl, Interrupted
Excellent movie. Having gone through depression (and maybe still in its throes), I can relate to what was going on.

The Great Santini (1979)
Also a pretty good movie starring Robert Duvall. Some of the scenes are pretty intense, even by today's standards.

Magnolia
What's it about? It's about three hours. Really. I'm not sure how much better to describe it. Tom Cruise did an excellent job, though he was his usual angry young man. Though his character espoused many things I totally disagree with, not all of what he said was necessarily bad or untrue. Who does decide that men are automatically bad or wrong? There were lots of interesting parts to the movie, and I'm not sure I would classify this a "good" movie yet, but I can see that it has its charm and might make it into my collection one day. I think the funniest part, at least to me being a comic book fan, was when Tom Cruise was standing there posing in just his underwear talking about being Batman or Superman. I just laughed at the image of the traditional view of superhero garb being realized on someone saying he was a superhero. (That's for those of you who didn't make the connection.)

Music:
I recently bought some CDs, the first in several months:

Fat Boy Slim
<can't remember the title>
Fun stuff, though I've heard most of the songs elsewhere.

U2
How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
Pretty good stuff from the Irish lads, though one of the songs seems anti-Semitic to me, that Israel should just unilaterally stop defending itself. Maybe I'm hearing it wrong. I'll have to check back in on that one.

Matt Redman
Facedown
Worship music like I like it, with an edge. Again, not just cookie cutter "worship" genre music.

The Donnas
<can't remember the title>
"Chicks who rock". Lots of fun.

Apt Core
Apt Core 2
Not the album I was looking for. Either a different Apt Core album, or I'm looking for a Cathedral of Sound album. Update 12/17: I just realized this album is on backorder from BMG, so I haven't heard it yet. It's amazing what you can convince yourself is true sometimes. Stupid BMG for not carrying a greater selection. It's taken me months to be able to find four CDs I wanted to buy. (Of course, not having that much money beyond comics and DVDs might have a little to do with it, too.)

Okay, so this turned out longer than I anticipated. They always do.

A Fun Night

I met with my friends Mikal, John, Alberto, and Doug at a local
Starbucks. Not the one on that block, but the next block from there.
Yeah, that's right, that one. Oh, no, not that one; you're thinking the
one two blocks down. It's the one on the western side of the mall, not
the northwest corner.

Anyway, it was fun to just hang with some friends with no agenda, no
planned curriculum. Just five friends getting together to bum around.

We will pick a better venue than Starbucks next time. We are Baptist,
after all, and food must be consumed!

An Answer of Sorts

Finally, another posting in a seemingly decreasing interest in writing this blog. It's not that I'm not interested in writing the blog, but when I come up with things to write I nowhere near computer. And by the time I get to one where I can actually write (meaning when I get home), I've completely forgotten anything I had thought about writing. I've had thoughts about Thanksgiving, going to see National Treasure, the death of Dick Ebersol's and Susan St. James' son in that horrible plane crash, the sheer lack of ability to write, and I'm sure there were many other things that I could have written about but never got to. I have a little micro cassette recorder that isn't being used right now, and I should put to use. It's not that you're interested in reading it, but that I'm interested in remembering it.

Anyway, we had our Men's Life meeting yesterday after skipping a week for Thanksgiving. I don't know how much I've talked about this group, but we've looked at father wounds, the too-attached-to-Mom wound, and the all-alone wound (which truly applies to me). Then yesterday, we talked about the final wound, the wound that almost everyone invariably has: the depravity wound. Right offhand, I can't speak too much about it as far as what it means; this was the first of three meetings about it. What we did talk about, however, really hit home. One of the passages we read was Rom. 7, where Paul talked about not doing what he knew he should and doing the things he knew he shouldn't. Other than teaching Sunday school, I can't think of anything positive in my life, nothing worthwhile. I breathe oxygen pretty well, and I have a semi-impressive DVD collection. Other than that, I'm pretty stumped.

For several months now, I've been aware of this darkness within, this darkness that I can't seem to overcome, and apparently a darkness I haven't seen fit to let God into sufficiently to take care of it. I'm really looking forward to hearing more about this because this darkness is just really killing me. It's debilitating and, and I can't imagine hating myself much more than I do. I know God loves me, but it's not a matter of love him. I know God declares me worthy, and that is where my main failing comes. I cannot see anything of worth of my life, and it seems to me that there should be something I can look at, something I can see or point to that I can declare to myself, "you have demonstrated worthiness". And maybe that's part of the problem, that I'm trying to find this, and it's the wrong thing to look for.

I'm such a mess, and I certainly see no way out of it under my own power.

News to Me

Well, I got a new assignment at work today that will involve doing some Excel VBA programming. I stopped by Barnes & Noble to see what they had to offer me. There was a pretty cool book for $10 that seemed pretty helpful but not deep enough for what I will need. The only other book was $50, and that was just way too expensive to spend on one book right now. Maybe I'll check at Micro-Center tomorrow. I was also looking for a magazine that doesn't appear to be around anymore. While I was wandering around, they made some announcement about some guy who would be talking in a few minutes, and they mentioned a book signing, which immediately told me that it was somebody I did not need to listen to it. I don't really follow any authors that are alive, at least none that would be making an appearance at Barnes & Noble.

Well, the setup for the book signing and lecture was right next to the computer books, and if you remember from the previous paragraph I went into the store to get a computer book. So the guy starts his lecture while I'm thumbing through the Excel books, and I'm only paying half attention to what he's saying because I'm trying to see if the book will be of any use to me. And then he makes some statement about writing a novel in 30 days. My curiosity is piqued because I'm interested in writing a novel. At this point I've just discovered the $50 book and decide instead to listen to the lecture.

As I'm listening to him speak and telling us the benefits of attempting to write a novel in 30 days, I become intrigued. You see, I have been having ideas for many novels running through my head for years, but I just can't seem to get started on any one of them. And for the past few months, say three or four, well really since I turned 40--and even six months before then--as I've been trying to figure out what is the point of my life (since it pretty much seems to be a waste so far), I keep coming back to a still small voice that tells me that writing will be my salvation, so to speak. And tonight was just like a major wake-up call. I must write because I can no longer not write.

Anyway, the program is National Novel Writing Month, and the website is www.nanowrimo.org. The speaker for the evening was Chris Baty, pretty much the founder of NaNoWriMo, as it is affectionately called. So, as he was talking I was trying to figure out how I would get started in December. I figured that would give me almost two weeks to get ready. Then I realize that the national month is November, not December. Next year, I'll be expecting this and can devote the entire month of November to writing the requisite number of words per day (1667) to reach the 50,000 word novel size. For now though, I've committed to writing 2000 words a day beginning Nov. 19th until the end of November. If I am so inspired I might continue on until I hit the 50,000 word mark. But even if I don't complete this, the joy will be in actually writing something, something I haven't been able to do except here in these blogs, preparing my Sunday school lesson, and the bit of writing I do at work (being a technical writer forces me to do some writing, but the purpose and focus is completely different).

I already know the beginning of my novel: "Daisies." I know, I know, what in the world can write about daisies? Trust me, with my stream of consciousness mind, I think I can come up with something. We'll see what turns up.

28 Days Later

I was inspired to watch 28 Days Later after reading the graphic novel, The Waking Dead. For what it's worth, the similarities between the two are that they're both about zombies, and the main character wakes up in a hospital that happens to be deserted. Apparently, that beginning is actually from a book or movie entitled, Day of the Triffids, though this is about multiple types of generic monsters rather than just zombies.

About the movie: Jim, played by Cillian Murphy, wakes up in a deserted hospital and then finds out the city (London) seems to be just as deserted. He encounters zombies, non zombies, neighbors, rats, and military personnel in his quest to discover this strange new world. Note that not all of these meetings are friendly. One of the friendlier meetings results in hearing a radio transmission indicating there's a cure for the plague, that salvation can be found at the coordinates given in the broadcast. The merry band of survivors begins the quest to Manchester, which, upon arrival, they discover is in the midst of blowing up, or at least Manchester proper. The coordinates given lead them to a military base on the outskirts of town, but this base appears deserted as well. Then the fun really begins.

28 Days Later has nothing to do with the movie starring Sandra Bullock in a rehab center. The title comes from the caption for the second scene, which indicates the time period since the initial outbreak of the zombies.

My take: Not being a general purveyor of all things zombie, my only point of comparison are the movies Night of the Living Dead and Resident Evil. It's safe to say that Night of the Living Dead is certainly the granddaddy of zombie movies and arguably the best of the lot. Mr. Boyle, the director, takes some liberties with zombie lore, but he seems to make it work in this instance. The source of the zombification is explained at the very beginning of the movie, an explanation that lends credence to the changes Mr. Boyle made. The story concerns itself with survival in an impossible situation, and asks the question of whether or not traditional rules apply in such a bizarre situation.

Things I liked: I liked seeing another movie from the same man that brought us Trainspotting. While Trainspotting was a very grotesque movie in certain spots, it was very well done, very well acted, and it certainly serves to ward people away from drugs. The music was pretty darn good, too. I like that 28 Days Later focused on the people, not the gore, though what would a good zombie movie be without some kind of gore? And I really like that he tried something different with this movie, that he tried to step away from some of the conventions of zombie movies. What he elected to do differently helped the movie step into a class of its own, one that really allows it to shine. Purists will disagree.

The music really served the movie well. While Jim is trying to get his bearings in this new world he has awakened to, the beautiful music works in contrast to the ugliness of the situation. Angelic voices, ghostly melodies, even pop riffs, all work together to show the disparity between what you want and the reality of your situation. It's almost a nostalgic reminiscence and a hope for some better future that is far different than what can be seen in the current circumstance.

Things I Didn't Like: I did not like some of the cutting techniques used in the editing. Some of the scenes were very much from the MTV style of quick cutting where you cannot focus on anything in particular; instead, you're supposed to get some kind of feeling from all the scenes you didn't see put together. I also found the ending a little bit hokey, almost too clean cut in comparison to the rest of the movie.

Recommendation: If you like zombie movies, or even if you're just remotely interested in them, you should see this movie. If you do not like intense scenes or bizarre situations, do not even bother renting this movie. The movie is thought-provoking in that it asks the questions of what makes us human, who becomes our friend or our neighbor, and what rules can possibly apply when the entire fabric of society has been torn asunder. If you can handle it, by all means watch this movie. (I have not seen any particular Christian overtones in the movie, but that doesn't mean there are none. That it's well done and thought-provoking is sufficient for me to recommend.)

A Thoughtful Thought

This is the main body of an email I sent to one of my friends at church who happens to be an associate pastor. He's always been helpful about sounding things against, and he certainly has wisdom beyond his years. He treats me as an equal, which spurs me on to aim higher in thought (he is truly superior in intellect--this is not knocking me but elevating him). Not for the sake of the intellectualism of it all (though I can stand a shot or two of that once or twice a decade), but because it encourages me to want to be better. I think it's that whole "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" idea. <self-deprecation>I have no idea what he gets out of the deal.</self-deprecation> I'm grateful he's around to challenge me.

I have a friend who's interested in reading my teaching on the book of John, and I was sending him email with my latest lesson before teaching as opposed to after teaching (as you can see, I finished quite late). I was including a note that I thought this lesson in particular was one of my best efforts at writing as a whole, all duly inspired by God of course (as I'm sure I've noted to you before, as well).

One of the things I've found frustrating is not being spontaneously inspired at the reading of Scripture. In particular, when I'm reading for teaching, I don't get much directly. It seems some of the time, I get none until I'm actually in class. (I remember one time that what came out of my mouth was nothing I had down on paper apart from some basic facts and verses.) But mostly, the inspiration comes while writing it down, and then it just flows. And I had this thought:

Sometimes, inspiration comes from the reading, and sometimes it comes from the writing.

I found that quite insightful and rather consoling at the same time. That kind of ties in with art being 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration, which defies the typical 80-20 rule, but you get my drift.

CSI Tonight

So, I got in tonight a little after 8 and started watching CSI. What a
great show. Tonight's episode was ultimately about a man, his daughter,
and her perverted attempt to get his attention. While it's more than
likely I will never have children, if I did, I would hope that I would
attempt to have a better relationship with her than was in evidence with
this dad. Such a common scenario: the guy is too busy working in order
to provide things, that he fails to provide what his child needs the
most: himself. A big trust fund, a Bentley, jewelry, etc., all these
things are nice, but it doesn't take the place of knowing your child,
truly being there for him or her.

For those who have ears, let them hear.

So Long and So Far Away

Tap Tap Tap whoosh whoosh Is this thing on?

Well, it's certainly been awhile for me to post anything. Illness, work, and being in a bad place all combined to make me wonder what's the point of writing anything. I mean, who really reads any of this? Which is really the story of my whole life. What's the point of anything I do? About the only good thing I can think of is that I show up to teach Sunday school on Sunday mornings. Other than that, I'm a pretty selfish bastard (sorry mom & dad) who loses his temper far too often over stupid little things and can't manage to resist temptation for much of anything. If my life depended upon my ability to resist, I'd have died long, long ago. I wonder many times if I'll ever move beyond this. It doesn't seem like there's any possibility, yet I maintain the remotest glimmer of hope that maybe I'll manage to do something beyond my own selfish ambition. Enough of that tripe.

I was watching "Jack & Bobby" this afternoon. It's a pretty good show, well written, decent acting, and, most of all, realistic. The characters ring true, unlike, say, "Dawson's Creek". Anyway, this episode was the election episode. Granted, they are going to have a liberal slant and push the Democrats. (By the way, for anyone who actually does read this, I'm pretty conservative and generally vote Republican.) I can handle that people think differently than me. But, I do take issue with part of what was said in the show. And it's not just this show but something I've observed in much liberal/Democratic expression: liberals think they have a monopoly on caring about what happens with the country. Just because we don't think the same things are important doesn't mean we care any less.

My priorities happen to be different. In general, at least religiously conservative people tend to think that individual freedoms will lead to greater freedom throughout the society. Or maybe that's just what I think. I also don't think socialism is the answer to all our problems. The transfer of money from people who have it to the people who don't have it in some vague sense of helping or nobility has never really been shown to help people. In some of the European countries, the people do have access to basic health care, but what about advanced health-care? I agree that we can do better in this country as far as basic health care, but I'm not willing to turn us into a socialist state to accomplish that goal.

I could go on and on, but I have to get ready to leave soon. Maybe one day I'll address more of these issues, but it definitely will not be tonight.

I watched 28 Days Later yesterday and today, and I'll weigh in on it later.

How much

How much longer can I go without posting a message here? Forgive my lack of posting. Work and illness have been taking a heavy toll on me this past week and half. Not much newer stuff going on as of late.

Movie Time
I watched Harold and Maude (1971), starring Ruth Gordon and Bud Cort. Both those names are familiar, and I'm sure you would probably recognize Ruth Gordon if you saw her, even if you're not sure about the name. And Bud Cort seems familiar, but I'm not sure of anything else he's been in. Another trip to imdb.com, it seems. :::checking imdb::: Oh, quite a few things I've seen him in without realizing it, mostly minor parts, but hey, it's a living, right? it seems the most famous movie Ruth Gordon has been in is Rosemary's Baby (1968).

About the movie: Anyway, this is a strange movie. Harold is a young boy (20), and Maude is approaching 80 in a few days. They encounter each other at a funeral and then meet at another funeral a while later. To Harold, a boy staging elaborate death scenes to get some kind of rise out of his remarkably-distant mother, Maude is an extreme breath of fresh air: taking cars because they're convenient, no matter that they're not hers; talking of life and living in such grand terms; doting on things because they're important to her or she just likes them, not because they're "important" or will impress people. She represents all of the things he wishes he could do or be but is too afraid to attempt or too afraid that others will think him weird (this being quite funny when the kid has staged a hanging, a bloody massacre, and a self-immolation, among other things).

My take: Ultimately, the point of the movie seems to be that you should do whatever you want to do because life is meant for living. To a certain extent, I can agree with this sentiment. We shouldn't be caught up in what others will think of what we do, and we should explore things in this world. However, all rules can't be thrown out the window, either. Most rules are in place for our protection, not to keep us from having fun; certainly God's laws are that way. I realize there are stupid rules and laws put in place by people more interested in messing with people than in serving them, but I think these are far fewer than the standard variety. Taking someone's car because it's convenient? That's wrong, period. Doing somersaults when you feel like it? Go for it. If you want to smoke, do it (even though I contend you shouldn't, and please don't do it around me!). If you want a drink, have one (unless you're an alcoholic or are otherwise convinced you shouldn't do it, and certainly not when you're going to drive).

Things I liked: The staged-death scenes were quite humorous in a dark sense; the self-immolation scene in particular was really amazing, especially considering that Harold walks through the door mere seconds after firing himself. I haven't figured out how he pulled that one off. Harold's mother, played by Vivian Pickles, was quite good at being nonplused by her son's attempts to kill himself. In fact, she was quite good at being totally disinterested in her son altogether. This part of the story was intriguing, and I would have liked to see it developed more fully. It definitely made a good back story for how Harold could even consider being interested in Maude, her being the complete antithesis of his mother.

And finally: Overall, not an impressive movie. I didn't waste my time watching it, but it was a bit heavy-handed in its messages (the Army is nothing but people intent on killing; all rules are bad and serve only to oppress you or repress you), and the soundtrack by Cat Stevens really got annoying after the opening song. I suppose he's one of those songwriter/performer you either love or you hate; I tend to fall in the latter half of that divide. The saving grace, what kept me from totally disliking this movie, was the (lack of) relationship between the mother and son.

On the news: "The Texans (Houston's football team) took the day off, and so did Dallas. Unfortunately, Dallas had a game in Green Bay."

And sympathies and prayers to the Hendrick Motorsports racing team and family members of those killed in the plane crash today. What a terrible tragedy.

So Long and Thanks for all the Fish

This post is approved by me. It has nothing to do with Douglas Adams or Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, one of the funniest series of books I've ever read, right up there with A Confederacy of Dunces.

So much has happened since I last posted anything, what, two weeks ago? I constantly battle illness, though I think that's primarily a depressive response to not being happy with my job, or not knowing exactly what my job is. Yesterday and today were filled with almost no stress at work in comparison to normal days.

This past weekend, I went on a retreat with other singles from my church. I wanted to watch a movie during some free time (which is almost silly when you consider I was at the beach, but I had had as much of the beach as I wanted), but it was not to be. The big screen (36") TV was completely broken, and I couldn't get video through the little 20" tv. Owse, I had a great time, learned a few things, and generally enjoyed being around friends. I'm such the introvert; being around the people -- even friends -- totally wore me out. Sunday morning, we had a "meet Nature" study, and we went outside to appreciate the beauty God created for us. Because I had hurt my knee, I did not get off the deck but looked at the flowers lining the walk leading to the beach.

And I had a revelation. The flowers I saw were yellow and purple. If these grew in your yard, you'd most likely label them as weeds, yet here, they were beautiful. Same plant, different perspective as to their value. And God said, "As much as you look down on yourself and can only see uselessness and darkness, I see the beauty I have created you to be, far more beautiful than all these flowers put together." Same person, two different perspectives as to my value. I realize that God keeps showing me how worthy, beautiful, and valuable He considers me to be, yet I have an extremely hard time holding on to that as anything beyond a logical proposition. I want to believe it -- I want it to be real to me -- but I keep getting bogged down in my own failures, in my lack of physical attractiveness, and in my lack of affirmation.

Another revelation I had last week: I am a media guy. I love movie, music, and TV as much as most guys are considered to love sports. Yes, there are people who love movies/music/TV more than me, and there are those that are much more highly critical of these things, and most people just don't care one way or the other as long as they don't have to think about anything. (By critical, I mean breaking it down to its parts and seeing how it all fits or doesn't fit together -- some might consider TV totally vacuous, but it has its moments.) I like what I like (Grosse Pointe Blank, Gattaca, "Dharma & Greg", "Dick Van Dyke", "Babylon 5", DC Talk, Eurythmics, INXS, Duran Duran, Wes King, Dennis Jernigan), and I don't like what I don't like (About Last Night, "West Wing", "Ally McBeal", so-called reality TV, Stephen Curtis Chapman, the local Christian radio station). No apologies. God has given me likes, dislikes, passions, and desires for a reason, and to deny that these things mean something to me, that these things are important to me, would be foolishness. It's okay for me to be a media guy. As long as I keep it in perspective and continue to keep God/Jesus/Spirit first in my life and do what's pleasing to Him, it's okay.

Speaking of media, I went to see Hero Tuesday night with my buddy, Clay. What an excellent movie! Beautiful cinematography, a nice story, and a striking point all meld together to form a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. To those who say this is just like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I ask, "how you can say this?" I found no similarities other than both being in Chinese (Mandarin, I think) and having wire-work martial arts. Anyway, this movie is highly recommended on the big screen. Trust me, don't wait for video to see this one.

Death Row

So, in Houston, we have a horrible problem with the DNA crime lab, what with mislabeled evidence, corrupted evidence/samples, and all kinds of other missteps. Someone (I can't recall from the news I just saw) has called for a moratorium on all death row executions until the evidence is re-tested. At least two people in the past two months have had their convictions overturned, one of whom will be released in the next few days. The D.A. intends to retry the case against the man because the rape victim is sure it was him, even though the DNA sample proves the man didn't do it. The D.A.'s reason aside from the "eyewitness" identification? Just because there have been mistakes made doesn't mean a mistake was made in this case. Maybe I'm missing something here, but they proved a mistake was made and that the guy should not have been convicted.

As a supporter of capital punishment, I fully endorse the moratorium on the executions in these cases. If there be any question as to the validity of the evidence used to convict someone, what harm is there in verifying the results and delaying the execution? None that I can think of. Closure cannot be a reason, as it's been so many years for the victim's and their families, a few more weeks or months cannot matter. Expediency of doing justice is an extremely lame excuse, as, with the numerous appeals and attempts to change the outcomes, years go by from initial sentencing to carrying out the sentence. Again, what harm can there be in waiting?

If you are truly interested in seeing justice done, I cannot see any reason why holding off on executions in these cases is a problem. Isn't it far better to prove "yea" or "nay" than to make everyone wonder and call into question your motives for wanting to press forward with the execution if there is a chance the convicted person is actually innocent? I know that "everyone" is innocent in prison, and most are truly not innocent despite their protestations to the contrary. This is serious business, the taking of one's life. How can we be flippant in denying them a chance to prove their innocence, especially in these cases?

Gifts

We've been doing a class for the single adults at our church that involves discovering our spiritual gifts, our passions, and things we're interested in doing. I was kind of shocked to find out my top spiritual gift according the to the survey I took: prophecy. That's quite a shock for a (dreaded) Southern Baptist boy, as SB's are quite well known for their prophetic gifts. That was followed by teaching and wisdom. Don't laugh at the wisdom part. Is there such a thing as artificial wisdom? It would go so well with my artificial intelligence.

I was not too shocked by the teaching one. I expected it to be high. Ever since I was a little kid, my mother felt I would be some kind of teacher. And I have been for years, in some form or fashion, either just helping people, tutoring, writing, or actually teaching. I noticed something else today about the teaching. I've been teaching other single adults for over two years now. I don't get much feedback about my teaching, so from a purely human standpoint, I'm not sure if I do a good job or not. Sometimes I feel particularly moved in the Spirit; sometimes (usually) I'm well aware of my own inadequacy; sometimes both at the same time. Yet, I have never based my worth on my teaching. I'm glad to be used of God in any small way, and I hope I don't get in the way too much. I take comfort in the fact that I try to remain open to what the Spirit moves me to say, and that is more than sufficient.

In other areas of my life, I automatically assume I suck because I hear no positive feedback  (once a year doesn't count in my book; it is better than nothing, but only by an extremely small epsilon -- it's virtually identical to nothing). There is nothing in me that allows me to look objectively at what I do and consider what I did worthwhile. Telling myself I did a good job doesn't fill that void in my life. With teaching, I see myself somewhat divorced from the process (since God is doing it); with everything else, I find it dependent upon me.

Movie Update

The Son
This was a very interesting movie. The premise is that a shop teacher (carpentry) takes on student who was responsible for the teacher's son's death years ago. Yes, a little twisted, but worthwhile. There's no music in the foreground or background; the sounds of the carpentry shop serve that purpose. The ultimate question becomes, What would it take for you to forgive someone? We're so interested in vengeance that we forget that people are involved all the way around. I'm not at all advocating a lack of justice or being soft, but our job is not to destroy a person. There is hope.

Universal Soldier: The Return
Let me just say that I was not at all expecting a film of any artistic merit whatsoever. The original Universal Soldier was a fun little romp, a totally mindless piece of candy; I figured that the sequel would be somewhat along the same lines. It's hard to believe that this film failed to live up to no expectations! It was so horrible. The redeeming feature of the movie? it was only 82 minutes, including credits. This movie had lots of characterization, the full gamut of which was demonstrated in each main character every minute or so. It's really bad when Jean-Claude Van Damme is the high point of the movie. There were actually a couple of nifty parts, to be fair, one of which was when some of the "uni-sols" came down the ropes in the big warehouse. That must have been a fun scene to shoot.

And has anyone heard of the band, Pig in a Can? Their style is best classified as Industrial-Techno-Blues. Yeah, you read that right. A very different kind of a sound.

An Example of it Being Easier

A little over a month ago here in the Houston area, a 10-year-old boy
shot his father who had just picked him up for his weekend visitation.
The mother of the boy claims the ex-husband molested both of their boys
repeatedly. Needless to say, the divorce between the parents was
extremely bitter. My gut instinct is that there was no abuse, but what
better way to destroy someone, in particular a man? Regardless of any
proof or not, he's considered guilty by most everyone.

But that is not the point of this post.

The man had his own house and a live-in girlfriend/common-law wife. Now,
there is no documentation at all, as is common in common-law situations.
The only "proof" the g/f has is that he signed a piece of paper for her
daughter and signed it with "step-father" as the relation, whence he
must be her "husband". Well, his parents are coming in to stay for a
while, and they're taking his house. A judge agrees with the parents and
has ordered the g/f out of the house. She wants control of his estate,
but the guy's mom was named as the executor of his will.

How much easier would it have been for them to go ahead and get married?
Then she wouldn't be out on her ... whatever appendage appears
appropriate to you. Why do we complicate things? Why do we assume we
know better, that whatever we can come up with, because it sounds good
to us, must be okay, and that there will be no consequences for the
decisions we make?

God has set up standards for us to live by, not to control us, not to
keep us from having fun, but to protect us. Yet, like impetuous
children, we can't think ahead five seconds to consider anything beyond
how we feel at the time. We, who have no experience and don't understand
everything (or much of anything), automatically know better and know
what's best for us. What we know is that we don't like to be told, "No",
or even, "Wait".

Apology?

CBS and Dan Rather have now massively back-pedaled on the authenticity of the documents. They claim they followed the highest journalistic standards in exposing these documents. BULL! If that were true, they would have verified the authenticity of the documents rather than taking the word of a person with an axe to grind. But no, because Bush is Republican, they have somehow excused themselves from having to uphold the same standard of journalistic excellence, and I use the term "excellence" very loosely here. I'm sure ABC and NBC are quite thankful (but thankful to whom?) that they didn't jump on the story, too. Jane Fonda was more sincere in her apology.

If only this would wake people up to the predations of the press, that objectivity only shows up in how they view themselves and nothing else.

Blog Slog

So much to write, and I've done nothing. So many things I could talk about, and instead I just waste time watching TV. Not even movies. Just TV. Some things I enjoy immensely: The Simpsons, King of the Hill, Stargate SG-1 (no cable or satellite, so I only see what's in syndication on broadcast TV), Dharma & Greg, Alias. Some things I enjoy quite a bit: Extreme Makeover Home Edition, Arrested Development, America's Funniest Videos, COPS, Keeping Up Appearances, Are You Being Served?, Mad TV. And some things I watch just because they're on in the middle of other things I like to watch: Drew Carey, Malcolm in the Middle (which I've actually grown a little fond of), Last of the Summer Wine (really not very good at all), The Outer Limits (again, in broadcast syndication), whatever show Dame Judy Dench is on.

Last Wednesday, my (local) church started a 26-week program for men called Men's Life. There is finally something for men in the church that doesn't involve taking a day off work to participate. Not that our focus is numbers at all, but:

• 170 men pre-registered
• we estimate 240 men showed up
• 50 pre-made binders for the pre-registered men were not picked up

That tells me that men are hungry for something to tell them their worth, to find their place in this world (thanks, MWS).

I got pulled into a different group than I was originally assigned to: the new group leader knows me pretty well and wants me to sub for him when he's not able to be there. He's taking a class at a university in Scotland, and has to be there two or three times over the course. He's also expecting his second child, a little girl, any day now. And, he's serving as the interim missions minister. He will have his hands full all the way around. Anyway, I know that my being pulled into this group is better for me from an instinctive, spiritual, level. I'm the oldest one in this group by far; I'm the only single one; and they all have or are about to have at least two children. Part of what I must deal with is my own feeling of inferiority, of being somehow less than all other males. This is my big drawback that I let keep me from doing all that I wish or should.

Yet, I must conquer this Goliath in order to move on with my life. I've not been able to do it alone, and I've not had faith enough to allow God to work it out. It wasn't even until this year that I could acknowledge any worth of myself (assigned by God, not inherent worth). To go further than that, though, is a step I've not been able to make.

For me, love is something I've come to accept as a fact of life, a fact that I am loved. People act in ways toward me that are indicative of loving me. Yet, it's not a real thing for me. I'm appreciative of people's efforts, don't get me wrong. But it's more a logical premise than anything deeper. And I've come to the point where I can live with this type of love. And for now, my worth assigned by God is just a fact I accept, not something I truly experience. And I can't settle for that in my life. I must experience this worth as something tangible I can point to in my life, not just one of a long litany of facts about my life.

Update

I know I've not posted much of anything lately, but there's been too much to post and not enough to inspire me to write it down. Revelations from God about who I am and what I do or don't do, it's all kind of hard for me to process at this time. I feel like an emotional wrecking ball, or maybe the building the wrecking ball smashed into. I'm not sure which.

I still don't know what's coming exactly, future-wise. I did pick up a book at Sam's Sunday a week ago entitled, Good to Great, that studies how some companies have managed to go from being just good companies to maintaining success for a sustained time (15 years). They started out explaining the role of the leader in these successes. What they found was that the "big" personalities were negatively correlated to running a successful company for a sustained period. Some of the common characteristics of the "great" leaders include quietness, unassuming, almost background type of people. (I'm very tired and can't come up with the other traits off the top of my head.) Suffice it to say that these things describe my personality pretty well, and that gives me hope that I wouldn't be a total loss at running my own company. Not that these make me a great leader inherently, but that does answer a big question for me, that my basic personality is not necessarily an obstacle to overcome.

And let me just say that I still hate sinus attacks. I guess a doctor visit is coming up for some nice antihistamines and antibiotics if this doesn't go away in the next day or so. :::sigh:::

Update

I know I've not posted much of anything lately, but there's been too much to post and not enough to inspire me to write it down. Revelations from God about who I am and what I do or don't do, it's all kind of hard for me to process at this time. I feel like an emotional wrecking ball, or maybe the building the wrecking ball smashed into. I'm not sure which.

I still don't know what's coming exactly, future-wise. I did pick up a book at Sam's Sunday a week ago entitled, Good to Great, that studies how some companies have managed to go from being just good companies to maintaining success for a sustained time (15 years). They started out explaining the role of the leader in these successes. What they found was that the "big" personalities were negatively correlated to running a successful company for a sustained period. Some of the common characteristics of the "great" leaders include quietness, unassuming, almost background type of people. (I'm very tired and can't come up with the other traits off the top of my head.) Suffice it to say that these things describe my personality pretty well, and that gives me hope that I wouldn't be a total loss at running my own company. Not that these make me a great leader inherently, but that does answer a big question for me, that my basic personality is not necessarily an obstacle to overcome.

And let me just say that I still hate sinus attacks. I guess a doctor visit is coming up for some nice antihistamines and antibiotics if this doesn't go away in the next day or so. :::sigh:::

This end

Man, what a way to end the week: sinus attack. The last three hours at
work were pure misery. I toughed it out as much as I could, but 5:30
came, and I was finished. I wonder if eating outside at lunch is what
led to this attack.

nothing new to report otherwise... lots of thoughts, but nothing that
sticks in my mind. New cartoons tomorrow morning! I bought the second
season of Rocky & Bullwinkle and have been enjoying the 1.5 hours I've
watched so far. I enjoy it much more now than I did as a child.

Contemplate the Emptiness

One of my favorite albums is Entertaining Angels, by Jimmy A (aka, Jimmy Abegg), released 1991 (which is when I moved to Houston). I can listen to this album repeatedly; I think it might be one of the ones I could listen to for the rest of my life if I could only choose one. For me, pretty much everything is perfect: vocals, instrumentation, lyrics, etc.

One song in particular, "Contemplate the Emptiness," I cannot get past, and it is probably one of my favorite songs on the album, if not one of my all-time favorite songs (certainly in my top ten). For anything to get past Eurythmics or DC Talk is pretty amazing. Anyway, here are the lyrics, used without any kind of permission other than I wanted to share them with you:

What do you do when the night falls hard on you
And you're all alone
And the TV set's on and the light that it brings
Is the only light shining on you
And the voice in that box
Is the only thing that talks
To comfort your soul

Contemplate the emptiness, my friend
Contemplate the emptiness, my friend

What do you do when the last drink is gone
And the smoke burns your eyes
And the thrill has worn off and your friends have gone home
And you're coming down
And all that is left is to pick up the glasses
And empty the ashes

Contemplate the emptiness, my friend
Contemplate the emptiness, my friend

What do you do when she walks out on you
And you're holding the tab
And you say "What about all those promises we made
What about them?" and she says
"Didn't you know there's no such thing as promises here"

Contemplate the emptiness, my friend
Contemplate the emptiness, my friend
Contemplate the emptiness, my friend
Contemplate the emptiness, my friend

Do you remember riding that greyhound
Across that grey town
And thinking this isn't it. Like a voice saying
"There's something more" Like Jesus whispering to you
He was whispering to you...whispering to you

From Sunday

These were some thoughts I had shortly after I woke up Sunday morning. I didn't have a chance to get them posted then or yesterday, but no time like the present, right?

I had the question pass through my mind: Does God ever fail anyone?

To answer this, you need to define what it means to fail. I think solely in human terms relative to God, the answer turns out to be, "Yes." This is largely based upon the expectations we have of God. And our primary comprehension of God is a super Santa Claus or a big human being. He's there to give us what we want. This is clearly a case of mistaken identity. God is so far beyond our comprehension. What we want and desire, while not irrelevant as far as God is concerned, is so far beyond the point of what He chooses to do in our lives, should we allow Him to do so. In this sense, God is not the one who has failed; it is we who have failed to comprehend how other God is.

I think the only possible way we can consider that God might fail us is when He appears to be silent. I went through over a year of unemployment, and there were indeed some quiet times for me. I'd read, I'd pray, but nothing appeared to happen. Most people would say nothing happened, but I can't say what did or didn't happen as a result of what I went through. Did God hear my prayers? I'm sure that He did. Was He unmoved? I can't say. It would appear He said, "No", but maybe it was "wait". How can we claim to know that our prayer was unanswered until we have a resounding "No"? Could not God be working even now to answer those prayers in the timing He knows is best? Ultimately, I think this is also a misunderstanding of Who God is.

The other thing I was thinking about... well, a little background on me and my personality. I'm pretty shy and quiet; I'm used to being by myself since I am an only child and there were no other children in my neighborhood. In school (and church, even), I was picked on, teased mercilessly, and called all kinds of names. I never fit in with any group, and even today at 40, I still feel like I'm not a part of any group. Not that I'm teased now, but old lessons die hard. To let someone in is virtually an impossibility for me, though I have done it after knowing someone for a long time. To trust someone is pretty hard for me. To think that someone could actually care about me is even more difficult. So, when I've needed help with something, it's usually gone undone until I absolutely couldn't take care of it myself. And asking for help with something was a great stressor in my life.

But, when someone actually helped me with something, my heart sang, for here was someone that thought enough of me to put off what they wanted or needed to do and help me out with whatever it was I needed. And the help provided, while appreciated, was not the reason I was happy, but the spending time with me, that's what I remember. Spending time with me is my second love language. The first one I've resigned myself to never experiencing; once or twice a year for someone to tell me I'm okay and worthwhile is more than I can expect, but it will have to do. I guess this ties in with the second one, that to spend time with me tells me I am worthwhile.

Upcoming movies

Paprazzi: just watching the first trailer of this movie a few weeks ago sent my blood pressure soaring. I'm not sure I could stand to watch a whole movie based on this story. All these reporters think they have a right to do whatever they want and exercise no responsibility in the process. Yes, celebrities can't expect totally privacy; that's a part of gaining the fame that makes them celebrities. However, being a celebrity does not entitle one's life to be a total open book, with stories free for the taking or (more usual) exploiting. There can be a reasonable trade-off, I'm sure, without raising the ire of any parties or endangering anyone's lives. Of course, that requires respect. And in this day of every person for himself, that's going to be pretty hard to do. It would actually involve putting one's own desires and wants lower in priority than someone else's. One can hope, anyway.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: I have been looking so forward to this movie since I first saw the preview months and months ago. I was extremely sad when Paramount pushed it from June 25 to September 17. The art deco look, the old-style serial feel to the story, and a surprise guest villain, WOW! All of these pieces should work together to make something even better. This movie is going to be a ton of fun, something too many people fail to look for in a movie. Not every movie produced can further the cause of art or be a "serious statement" on the nature of humanity.

keyboards and such

I saw a hair sticking up out of my keyboard tonight. I know that sounds
extremely disgusting, but it's just a fact of life. I couldn't manage to
get hold of the frolicsome follicle, so, I thought I would see if I
could pop out the key and pull the hair. The key popped off easy enough,
but I was greeted by far more than a single hair. Blech! I'm going to
have to do some heavy duty key popping this weekend or something to
thoroughly clean my keyboard. If only I could put on a blindfold or
similar device to do the cleaning.

I watched the next two episodes of RahXephon (disc 5) this evening. (I
turned it off to watch the news and King of the Hill.) Finally, the
series answered more questions than it raised. It's been kind of
frustrating trying to figure out what's been going on in this series. Up
to now, every time it seemed to be headed off in a single direction, it
would splinter into five or six sub-plots all interwoven and mixed up,
none of which seemed to be pursued for any length of time. With that
being said, it seems odd to say that I could tell the story was
advancing (very hyperbolic in nature), and this is what kept me going.
That, and the animation is nicely done. I hope it continues to resolve
plot lines.

I got the next disc of Invader Zim. I'm so looking forward to watching
it. I promised myself that I would finish RahXephon before watching it.
But I want more Gir. And Dib. And Zim. Those are all the important ones
to me; not that I dislike the rest of the characters, but these are the
best ones, of course.

Visions on the Waste land

Last Friday, I was in a particularly low place. Considering my life a total waste is pretty low -- not suicide low, but low nonetheless. Sunday night after church and a meeting, I talked with two people I trust to speak to me on such topics (Thanks muchly, James and Rob!!!!). While I didn't pour out my heart, I let enough out that caught the mood of where I was.

You see, pretty much all of my life I've felt that I've had nothing to offer, that I was pretty much useless, unlovable, and irrelevant. After 40 years of that, it's quite difficult to step beyond that set of thoughts. And with Friday came a great confluence of events and thoughts that led me to the "waste" posting. And, what is more, it seemed that nothing was ever going to change.

After thinking about all that was discussed and praying about it, I had a -M-A-J-O-R- -R-E-V-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-. I came to realize that I do indeed have some kind of talents to offer, that I'm not totally useless, and that while I might not be or feel totally relevant, some people seem to enjoy my existence. Once I realized that, then it was almost a natural progression to the -M-A-J-O-R- -R-E-V-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-: while God has granted me gifts and talents, I'm not currently in a position where others can truly appreciate what I have to offer.

You cannot believe how different this is for me to think or accept. I've never managed to have a truly independent thought as to my (positive) worth. I know God considers me of great worth. I can read that and accept that He thinks that of me, but where does that actually intersect with my life? I still don't know, but I know it does intersect. That's a pretty major transition for me!

AFV

You know, a host can really make a difference on a show. As badly
maligned as Bob Sagett was hosting America's Funniest Videos, it took
ABC several years and rounds of hosts before they could find someone
capable of doing a good job. I don't like Tom Bergeron as much as Bob
Sagett, but he's acceptable. Anywayz, I watched the second half of the
300th episode tonight, and I saw what I consider to be the absolutely
funniest video I can recall from this show: a kid is playing with his
pet mouse outside; the dad told him to put the mouse on top of the cage,
which the kid dutifully does. The mouse wanders around the top of the
cage looking over the edge to see if it's worth jumping. Suddenly, a
bird swoops in and carries the mouse off. Poor kid, but that was
hilarious. This is one of the funniest shows of AFV I've ever seen. I
guess being 300 episodes old, they have quite the selection. I want to
save this one for future viewing. If only I had a DVD burner....

The Stoking Place

In case you haven't figured out, I like movies. One day, I'd like to make a movie, but that's a different story.

I watched Boiler Room tonight, with Giovanni Ribisi, Vin Diesel, Nicky Katt, and Nia Long, among many, many others. This probably wound up in my queue at Netflix because it had Vin Diesel in it; he's actually a relatively minor player (Chris Varick), while Ribisi is the main guy (Seth Davis). He goes to work at a scam brokerage not realizing it's not totally legit (this is not a spoiler). Once he finds out, though, he's not terribly heartbroken. There is some interesting play between him and his dad, played by Ron Rifkin (who is just as mean, evil, and conniving here as in "Alias", and L. A. Confidential, too); I was actually shocked at one point (by Ribisi's character) -- you'll know it when it happens, should you decide to watch it.

Ben Affleck plays a 27 year old broker who still works at the house only because he's so good at his job; otherwise, he would be a has-been at his age in this company. The idea is to get 'em young and work 'em hard before they're old enough to know what they're doing. The lure of easy money (millions per year) is enough to hold any recognition of shadiness in their dealings at bay.

A couple of key points in the movie that really stuck out to me: 1) Davis asks Varick at one point why, if he makes so much money, does he still live at home with his mother; 2) a really nice line along the lines of, "My dad always told me my problem was my work ethic. My work ethic is not my problem; my problem is my ethics at work." Another important aspect of the movie is the rampant misogyny. These are boys in physically mature bodies, and women exist solely to serve their needs or do their dirty work. One woman (Nia Long as Abbie, the receptionist) has sold out any hope of being offended at anything said or done because the money is good. The only attempt at redemptive femininity is Davis' mother, who attempts to restore relations between her husband and wayward son as best she can.

This is an okay movie, neither stellar nor horrible. Lots of cussing that you would expect from a bunch of immature guys heady with the pursuit -- and achievement -- of high lucre. Overall, the story is interesting enough to hold your attention. It's not a pretty picture, but it is fairly successful at drawing you in, urging you to root for Davis.

We won't even talk about The Best Man. After forty minutes, I went to bed (exhaustion). And I decided I didn't need to see any more. The misogyny in this movie could be cut with a knife and makes Boiler Room seem like a movie based upon The Feminine Mystique or something. (And don't ask me how this movie wound up in my queue -- I'd say I was drunk when it entered the picture, but I've never been drunk. How about we just chalk it up to gremlins?)

A waste

That's what my life seems to be: a total waste.

I have fun sometimes. I can make people laugh sometimes (no longer at my own expense, either). But I can't do anything. especially not anything I would like to do. I suck at everything, it seems. I used to think I could do something, be something. Not just alas, but alas and alack, I was just fooling myself. Back when it mattered, I could have done most anything, but now....

At least God loves me, I guess.

Hideous and Inviting

Yesterday after I deposited my reimbursement check, I headed to Sam's to
buy my way cool shirt on tax-free weekend. I saw an H2, not an
attractive vehicle to begin with, and it was painted--get this--a
pearlescent lime green! It was hideous! And then it started to grow on
me. At the end of ten seconds, I decided it wasn't all that bad a color.
For an H2. It still scares me that I liked it. :::shiver:::

The Phantom Empire

This week, outside of my Netflix flicks (say that three times real fast), I've watched most of a serial entitled The Phantom Menace. This was part of a two-serial set I bought a Sam's (I also recently got a Sherlock Holmes set -- four movies!). Being from 1935, I didn't expect a great deal of depth or super special effects (everybody knows special effects didn't exist until Star Wars in 1976, right? but IMDb says that two guys worked on special effects -- something must be wrong).

Yes, it's cheesy; the video quality is pretty poor; the audio drops out occasionally; the effects are pretty minimal; the cliffhanger endings are cheated horribly; and the subtitles, if enabled, just show "AUDIO" occasionally rather than actual speaking parts, as though someone forgot to master the words onto the track. Well, it's a lot of fun.

I kept thinking while watching it, though, how could the story be updated and appeal to modern audiences? No singing cowboy (sorry, Mr. Autry, though you did okay for the time) for our day. Special effects can be better, for sure. For one, they could actually exist. Hey, if "The Outer Limits" can do okay with the serviceable yet unspectacular effects, we could probably do okay, too. The biggest problem would be to find a motivation for a bunch of kids to get together to form the Junior Thunder Riders. Okay, I'll stop now. (though I would love to develop my five-year plan for a TV version of Reign of Fire -- more dragons!)

What are You Watching?

Last night, I watched The Winslow Boy. It's a very good movie primarily about the relationship between a man in post-Victorian England and his three children, two boys and a girl. The youngest, 13-14 year old Ronnie, gets into trouble at the military school he attends and is expelled. He maintains his innocence throughout, and the whole family sacrifices to fight to prove his innocence in light of the seemingly incontrovertible evidence against him. The trials or hearings are essentially off-camera the entire movie and serve as the unifying force for the family, even the oldest brother, Dickie (the second movie in the past week with a character named "Dickie"; hmmm), giving up his position at Oxford. This movie is very character-driven, typical of virtually all of Mamet's works; if you're looking for action, take a Valium and the movie will seem very fast. [This should not be construed as an endorsement of the illicit use of drugs, or the use of illicit drugs.] I highly recommend this movie.

This evening, I watched two episodes of "Sledge Hammer" from the recently-released Season 1 DVD set. I laughed until I stopped. Truly.

-out

Short Bits

• Last Friday, I went to see The Village, M. Night Shyamalan's latest. Regardless of critics, I found the movie quite entertaining and captivating. Beautifully shot, very nice acting, compelling story, it had it all. Were there plot points that were messed up? Perhaps. How much of a stickler for detail are you? If you demand perfection, then you've really set yourself up for tremendous disappointment. Otherwise, go, have fun, be scared. But don't go into the woods. Please.
  
• Saturday, out of the blue, I found out I got a raise. WOW! I was completely shocked. And I had just prayed Friday or Saturday morning on the way into work, "God, I just can't handle having no more money. I can't get out of debt, and I can't even think about doing the other things you're calling me to without any money." If you're not in debt, stay away from it at any cost. If you're in it, you can commiserate with me. It's a horrible trap.
• Watched Teaching Mrs. Tingle tonight. Blech. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't really good, either. Individual parts were good, but combined it was less than the sum of its parts.
• I watched The Talented Mr. Ripley last week over the course of two or three nights. What a freaky and disturbing movie. Matt Damon was excellent in this, as were Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow.
• The third disc of "Rahxephon" came in from Netflix, and I was not horribly happy about it: it had only three episodes on the disc. Why? Disc one had five episodes, and disc two had four episodes. Will disc four have two episodes? I hope not. Anywayz, after watching my three episodes, I was terribly confused, which is not necessarily a difficult thing to do, but all the same, I was still confused. We'll see what happens with the rest of the series to see if it makes sense.
  

The News

One of my friends made the comment in response to my passing on a news story to her that that's why some people don't watch the news, because it's all bad. I know some people are overly sensitive to what they see and can't handle the bombardment. But if you can handle the bombardment, have you thought about praying for the people in the stories you see or hear? There's no shortage of people that need prayer, that's for sure. Wars, disasters, murders, corruption in high and low places, assaults, and just plain accidents -- do you think God can work through these situations? Who in these situations don't need prayer? don't need Jesus? don't need some true love in their lives? Even if you can't personally interact with the person(s) involved, you can pray.

Baseball

Well, the baseball game was a blast. These were my seats (click on section 122). Sweet, eh? Sadly, the Astros lost. If I actually cared anything about baseball, it might have mattered to me. Home team and all, I'll root for them to win, but my life goes on the same, win or lose. I enjoyed it for what it was. Even when I watched the Rockets win back-to-back championships (thanks for the coverage, Sports Illustrated -- read with heavy dose of sarcasm since they hardly admit Houston even exists), I was very happy for the players, mind you, but my life was not changed for the better.

Movies, though, I relate to. I had some stuff written about this, but it's tripe in its present form. I'll have to work on it sometime. Just know that moobies has been berry berry goot to me.

on my mind

• read an article about unsuspecting internet users getting "extra" charges on their credit card. I hate things hidden in fine print, and the companies that do these things should be fined horribly (and can the people who actually have the damages get some financial remuneration on this? Fines are fine, but doesn't it just go to the state? The victim doesn't get anything, AFAIK.)
• saw I, Robot tonight; much better than I thought it would be. To the reviewer on slate or salon that said they just get Asimov wrong, I can only say we didn't see the same movie. What'd you do, see the trailers, watch the first ten or fifteen minutes, and then go to sleep with your free pass? (I've been to enough sneaks where the reviewers go to sleep.) Not totally wrong, but close enough.
  
• The Bourne Supremacy on Saturday morning; gotta love matinees. BTW, it's The Bourne Supremacy, not just Bourne Supremacy. One of our local DJs got called on it from the studio (true story).
• Listened to local Christian radio station last week for about 20-30 minutes. There was no Stephen Curtis Chapman--I was massively shocked. I thought Christian music was equivalent to SCC (not to be confused with the SEC, in whom I take no stock, nor should it be confused with the FCC, who might fine me for what I think of SCC--well, only if I spoke it on-air somewhere. Of course, my opinion of SCC would probably incite a riot -- is that what it would take for Christians to take some kind of action?). Anywayz, I heard this super-annoying song. It turned out to be Switchfoot; I think the song was "The Beautiful Letdown". That off-key note on this "on" sound, over and over and over again. Blech.
• Listened again to the local Christian radio station for about 10 minutes. A catchy song followed by some old-sounding song followed by a song that had lame (read: cliché) lyrics, mediocre vocals, uninspiring music. Sure enough, it was SCC. It's bound to be a hit.
• Going to a baseball game tomorrow night for free (except parking and food). $40 seats. Wahoo!
• Got to talk to my mother Tuesday night for the first time in well over a week. Considering we normally talk at least three or four times a week, I was going through withdrawal. She might have been glad for the break; she said she was, anyway. :-)

Well, I guess that's all for now.

One of Those Days

Tonight, I went to the church choir concert where they presented their
summer tour music (they traveled to the northeast and sang at various
places). They were excellent, and I have never heard them sound better.
Technically, they have always been top-notch. Tonight, though, they had
the sound to match their 100+ number, which I've never noticed from them
before. They were so good, in fact, that I considered thinking about
joining (I must be one of those people that, when I see a good thing, I
have to go in and destroy it LOL).

After the concert, we had a reception for our organist of 29 years who
is retiring "sometime soon". We sure didn't have "fellowship"
food--delicious doesn't begin to describe how good the food was. I was
glad I didn't gorge like I have in the past.

I know that I've always had trouble feeling like I fit in anywhere. In
college, I talked about someone to a friend of mine (not gossiping), and
he said that he didn't run in the same social circle with that person.
My response was, "I think my social circle is a dot." I can fit in most
anywhere, from (not too) upper crust to (not too) low-brow; I know
enough to not make a complete fool of myself, and I'm accepting enough
that I don't come across as a snob. But I've never been a part of any
group except on the periphery.

Tonight, though, at the reception, I found myself wandering around from
little group to little group, not finding anywhere to alight for more
than a minute or so. I tried to engage people, but I guess there were
too many distractions. It seems to me that I've made relatively decent
progress in the past few months or so at trying to be more involved with
people rather than living my isolationist lifestyle. Tonight, however,
when I wanted to be around people, there was no having it. :::sigh:::

Going on 40

On the way home from work tonight, Karen called and asked if I wanted to go see 13 Going on 30 at the dollar theatre. Being in love with Jennifer Garner since the first time I saw "Alias", it took me no more than a nanosecond to decide to go, though it was considerably longer before I agreed vocally. (Sorry, Jason.) It was about exactly what I expected, but I did want it to be better. The premise: magic dust grants 13-year-old Jenna her wish to be 30, flirty, and fun, but when she gets there, she's not the same person at all, at least she hasn't been.

I got to thinking (b/c I sure didn't have to think about the movie) that I wish life was like that sometimes, that you could truly get a do-over. But life isn't like that; we don't live in a fantasy world. However, if nothing else, this movie and its ilk should serve as a warning to consider your actions carefully. You do have to live with your actions, and everyone else does, too.

Interesting Verse

FYI: I haven't posted much because I've been so tired by the time I get home from work. I can get through email and that's about it.

At lunch today, all the usual lunch cronies were otherwise occupied, so I went to Whataburger (read it slowly) and read in the Bible Exodus 13:17-15:21 for teaching on Sunday. In particular, Exodus 14:14 stuck out to me: The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent. (NAS) Like so many things in the Bible, to the point and reassuring at the same time.

Well, I hope to start The Big Sleep tonight after I finish with this and essential email. I tried watching it the other night while playing a game, but after twenty minutes, all I knew was that Humphrey Bogart had been employed to do something after being hit upon by some blonde bimbo. I suppose it's a movie one must pay strict attention to.

Speaking of I, Robot, I finished reading that last night. This is the first book I've read in ages. As I thought, other than being about robots and involving Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics, the movie releasing tomorrow (as of this writing) has nothing to do with the book, at least according to the trailers I've seen. I haven't seen Ali, but everything else I've seen Will Smith, while fun, isn't all that serious.

And with that resnark, I'm off... to email (besides just the normal being off).

How I knew

I recently (five minutes ago from this writing) read an article on article on Lockergnome about when you knew you were a computer geek. I was in ninth grade (1978-79 school year), in the GT program. Somehow, we got a TRS-80 in our weekly class, and I was instantly fascinated. I couldn't play sports, and I wasn't that good in band (even though I enjoyed it thoroughly). But here was something that I could actually make happen. And no one teased me in the process. When my very existence incited ridicule and derision from my peers (and the teachers allowed it in class), it was kind of nice to be able to do something without being judged for it. (imagine my frustration with Micro$oft Word trying to tell me what I want to do...)

And I've been pretty decent at it ever since then. Not great, but better than average. Kind of sad that the machines are easier to relate to than so many people. I'm glad that the people I'm around now aren't like junior high kids (though I've seen some that have never grown up). Check out Why Nerds are Unpopular for more thoughts on this whole phenomenon. The article is lengthy, but I pretty much support everything in it. There ya go.

Survival

So, I wound up surviving the Fourth weekend. On Sunday, a friend called me to go see Spider-Man 2 since his wife and kids were gone (she on the aforementioned choir trip, the kids with the wife's parents at a beach house in Freeport). Then I went back to his place, watched some Wonder Woman, then some other of his (and my) friends came over, and we watched The Italian Job (the remake, not the original). It was lots of fun. Then I wound up going to down to Freeport with my friend on Monday morning to keep my friend company since he forgot to leave something (like a car seat for the baby). Overall, it turned out not to be a totally sucky weekend.

Then, Monday night, I watched The Sand Pebbles. Excellent movie, directed by Robert Wise, the same guy that did The Sound of Music and many other movies that I've enjoyed over the years.

No Title

A long weekend. (and there was much rejoicing) yay.... Not that I'm sad to have a long weekend, but I have no plans to go anywhere or do anything, and most of my friends are on a choir trip to D.C., NY, and points between and around. As I was driving home from work last night, it dawned on me how alone I would be this weekend. Usually, I don't mind being by myself, but for some reason, I don't want to be alone this weekend. Yet here I am. I suppose it'll be time to catch up on my movies from Netflix. Speaking of....

I watched Sunset Boulevard last night for the first time (this was the short movie at 110 minutes -- the others are 179, 227, and 230 minutes, which should eat up some time). What an excellent movie all the way around. Story, acting, sets, lighting, costuming, all were excellent. And the story still stands viable today. It makes me want to investigate Billy Wilder more as a director, to possibly join my two favorites, Tim Burton and Ridley Scott (not to be confused with his brother, Tony Scott).

I wonder if I'll ever be an ever-was; I sure feel like a has-been right now, or, more correctly, a never-was. I don't want to be famous, and I don't think I deserve more than anyone else, but I want to have some sense of accomplishment in my life. I have an idea of something to come, but I can't see any path to it right now, if ever. It's not something I would have come up with on my own, but something I feel God calling me to. If it happens, it will definitely be all God and not me. I recently listened to a motivational speaker on PBS's quarterly membership drive programming, and she said that your life truly starts at 40. That would certainly be nice since I'm there now.

Otherwise, though, forty sucks.

Decisions Decisions

I certainly empathize with Paul when he writes about being chief of
sinners, not doing what he wants to do and doing what he doesn't want to.

It seems that on a good day, I might make one good decision out of
twenty. I know I tend to be hard on myself, and it's probably a higher
percentage. But not much higher. Financially, emotionally, physically
(primarily food and exercise), these decisions all seem to just be
wrong, or I have insufficient motivation (food and exercise) to make
better decisions. [I know it'd be healthier, etc., but I don't see that
as imminently better at this point. Loneliness pervades my life, even
when I'm around people, and I don't see that changing.]

The only decisions that I have less (or is that better?) than a horrible
track record concern spiritual decisions. And that's not real good.
Usually the best decision I make here is, "God, I can't do it. Please
help me." But I don't do that nearly often enough.

More on my trip this past weekend to come. I still owe a couple of
posts, I know. I should put a list of "things to come" on the right side
so I can be reminded. :::sigh::: one day...

greens traveler

So, tomorrow morning, way too early in the morning, I'm flying to New Orleans and then going to visit my parents in Mississippi. Wahoo! All involved are excited, except for that whole work thing ;-). But you take the bad with the good, eh? It's been since Christmas that I got to see them, and it would have been until next Christmas before this little trip came up.

Weddings

I went to a wedding last night. It was quite beautiful. Weddings usually are. It was simple, tasteful, and elegant. There were candles—votives, not pillars or tapers—on four or five levels, with a vine of roses intertwined in the stand. Very cool stuff. The ceremony itself was quite short—roughly 15 minutes, the shortest I can recall.

I'm extremely happy for the couple, yet weddings make me sad, very sad indeed. I cannot comprehend opening myself up to anyone, letting them in, being that exposed to someone. Even more than that, I'm barely comfortable that God accepts me fully (a relatively recent development), but to even contemplate that someone might see me as anything more than just some guy who makes you laugh and listens well, well, that is far beyond my limited powers of imagination. I can't imagine letting myself go enough to allow that. I would not be a good husband.

Much like Groucho Marx said about clubs, I would not want to marry someone who would be willing to marry someone like me.

Amazingly Enough

I wrote this last night via email, but it never got through, for whatever reason.

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but it's been an extremely long week. I am continuously amazed at how much God shows me of Himself, and how truly lowly I am (not just looking down on myself as worthless).

Saturday

Today, I upheld one vow I made this week: I clipped the cat’s
claws. He was not happy. Until it was all over. Then he loves it. Except
when he tries to run and dig into the carpet to change directions. Oops.

At some point soon, I’m going to write about victimless crimes;
that’s been on my mind the past week or so. Essentially, I
don’t think there is such a thing. Of course, it assumes a
particular moral base in my reasoning.

I went to watch friends bowl tonight, then we went out to eat
afterwards. Such good food; I love Mexican food, even if it’s
Tex-Mex, not “authentic” Mexican food. I’ve hidden
away from people for so long -- it feels good to be around people,
especially friends from church, people who appreciate you and accept you.

I’ve been playing around with Paint Shop Pro lately, trying to do
more with it than I have. It's not Photoshop, but it's not $500+,
either. I’ve truly amazed myself at what I’ve been able to
produce with my limited knowledge. I came up with a really cool logo for
Exodus (the book we're studying Sunday mornings for 13 weeks).
I’ll post it when I’m able to upload pictures someplace.
There are some other nifty things I've done (well, I like ’em
anyway) that I'll post sometime, too.

And I’m off to finish MadTV or watch a movie.

A Resolution

Tuesday night, I went to my weekly Bible study. This cycle, we're
studying Ephesians, and this particular week, we were doing chapter
three. We were kind of circular in the study, touching on subjects two
or three times removed from directly out of the chapter. [I only have a
vague recollection of what we talked about — I know I should have
written this Tuesday night when I got home, but after three hours of
sleep, I could barely stay awake.]

Anywayz, I came to the conclusion that I've exercised no faith
whatsoever in my view of myself, my circumstances, etc. I know that all
the circumstances I find myself in right now are the direct result of my
own bad decisions and sin. My problem in dealing with it is what can I
expect God to do? My own answer is, "Nothing." I've made my bed, and I
must sleep in it. Unfortunately, I've used nails, razors, and shells to
line the bed rather than nice sheets. I feel that I've wasted my life,
and the remaining years I have here will be spent just dealing with the
consequences of my sins and horrible decisions. And I can't expect God
to bail me out. I've only recently come to accept that I'm allowed to be
in the family, that I'm actually welcomed and will get to be at the
banquet table. I certainly don't think I should be removed from the
consequences of what I have done. It just doesn't work that way: nothing
I have read in the Bible tells me any different, and nothing I have seen
in life supports it, either.

And I realized from what we talked about Tuesday night that I need to
let it go, stop beating myself up about it, and just let God work in my
life. It's conceivable God could actually use me or my circumstances,
even if I see no way that He could or would. But isn't that part of what
makes Him God? He works the impossible in our lives.

So, I'm not expecting anything, but I'm open and willing.

Home Sweet Home

This past weekend, I wasted pretty much all my time at home except for prep to teach Bible study Sunday morning (we started Exodus). I accomplished nothing, zero, zilch, nada. My friend, Jason, wrote about his room being a wreck; Jason, my friend, I don't think your one room can hold a candle to any room in my apartment except maybe the guest bathroom (where I have some dishes stored on the counter - don't ask!). I can't get motivated to do much the past couple of years or so. I'm tired of living this way, but I'm not willing to do anything about it to rectify the situation.

Which is the story of my life, pretty much. Much like Paul said about doing the things he didn't want and not doing the things he wanted, this applies to my life in so many ways, not just spiritually. I can make a ton of excuses, but ultimately, I'm just lazy, selfish, and, it seems, incapable of making decent decisions.

Don't know where all that came from. I should delete it, but there is that whole lazy thing to consider ;-)

I got to work a little before nine this morning. I got home just in time to write this and post. In case you can't figure it out, I left work a little before midnight. And I have to be back at work early this morning to prepare to do training at 9:00 a.m. I'm a tired puppy. yowsa.

Ronald Reagan

Just heard the news a few minutes ago about the death of Ronald Reagan, our 40th President, and certainly one of our greatest. It's amazing that they're crediting him with the downfall of communism in the former Soviet Union, (though I am watching Fox) while all these years I've heard journalists and others try to attribute this feat solely to Gorbachev.

Thank you, Mr. President, for your service to your country, for doing the right thing in the midst of strong criticism, and for being a man of integrity. And, most of all, thank you for being a man of God and letting His light shine through you.

Character matters.

Random bits

• Just finished watching Castle in the Sky. Decent film.


• Memorial Day at John's house — Thanks, John! played Tri-Bond (my team won!); sat around and talked. Fun. Sadly, no "Trading Spaces" marathon this year.


• Sunday evening at Jack's house watching Charlie's Angels.


• Made it to Saturnday night church for the first time in several months. Great service, though I'm not too sure about this "fellowship" time beforehand. I'm not too outgoing, and it's difficult for me to go up to meet people on the fly.


• Didn't make it to see The Day After Tomorrow this weekend. Apparently enough of you did for it to take in well over $80MM. I'm only interested in the special effects, not the story. I do like Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhaal (had to look that one up). Oh, and Sela Ward, too!


• Swam this morning. Actually, I rode my bike, but with 110% humidity, it felt like I was swimming. I see collapsing into bed before midnight tonight since I've been awake since 5am.


• listening to Rubicon 7 in the car; wish I could listen to music at work. I think I would be much more productive than playing receptionist every five minutes or so. It's making me jittery, man, jittery, I tell you.

These posts always wind up longer than I intend them to be.

The Cat

So, last Friday on my birthday, my cat turned 11. Yes, his birthday falls on my birthday. Anyway, the part of how smart my cat is that I mentioned a couple of days ago. My cat came and got me because he wanted food, which is no different from any other time. I have an understanding with him that if there's significant food in his plate, he doesn't get any more (unless I'm leaving for the day or something — I'm not a total ogre); I tend to think this understanding is somewhat one-sided, though when I remind him of it, he'll usually start eating his food. There was a pretty good amount of food in his plate, so no more for him.

He would have none of that. He sprawled out in front of me and cried. He ran around crying. I was going back into the bedroom, and he again threw himself in front of me and cried. I got down to pet him and talk to him, and he cried again. I said, "Clark, your food is NOT tainted; now go finish it." It was plain to me he told me his food was tainted. Then I thought that he's not usually quite so insistent as he had been.

I went to his plate after turning the lamp up all the way, and the food was covered with... ants. He knew his food was tainted and kept trying to tell me, only I wouldn't listen. I think he's pretty smart (and not just because of this), but I shan't go on and on.

All in All

Not a bad day, all things considered. My boss did ask me at least three times within one minute if I was working on a particular project, said project having been completed yesterday. Remind me to share the story of my cat's smartness.

Invader Zim watching it all over again. "I must get some product" [at least, that's what I recall Gir saying to the door-to-door cosmetics sales-tron. I'm trying to expand my Gir-isms. Now if only I could get my voice to get that off, electronic twinge to it. Anyone have a voice transformer much like the one Sydney used in Alias’s season three finale in the jail cell next to Sark that will help me more accurately imitate Gir?]

After all, today is a new day

Wow, what a different day today has been. I'm not sure what happened. Perhaps it was praying this morning:

God, I absolutely cannot go through another day like I have been doing. I am absolutely powerless to do this, and I need Your help to make it through the day.

Well, I'm certainly not a righteous man (except as much as God declares it), but He apparently answered my prayer anyway. Thank You, God, immensely. Thank You that You would deign to consider me in Your plan and working in my life so that my day wouldn't be sucky.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow, but I think I can get through it okay. I'll even let my neighbor take me out.

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy Invader Zim lately? “I love that show”.

Not Quite in Bed Yet

GIR // GIR is one of the most hilarious people on
the show. He's a robot and is SUPPOSED to be
helping Zim. His quote is "Can I be a
moongoose dog?"


Which Invader Zim character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Annoyances to Pleasantries

While driving home from work today, my radio station was set to what I listen to on the way in (104—love Sam, Maria, and to a lesser extent, Robbie). I forget that most of the music on 104 is not within my realm of appreciation. So I flipped to 106.9, the 80's (and beyond) station [this is also known as The Point, which I discovered one day is a whole family of stations across the country — or at least the south].

Anyway, they were on their slew of commercials since they play relatively few during the day. The most annoying commercial I've heard in a while: the Cingular commercial where the daughter is trying to convince her dad to add on a phone. As many times as I've heard this commercial, today it just hit me as screeching. I turned the radio off.

I would have listened to a CD, but I finished at least the 20^th go around of the soundtrack for The Prince and Me, and I couldn't safely get to another CD in my briefcase. I haven't seen the movie, but the soundtrack is pretty cool. Why do I have this soundtrack, you wonder? Well, I'll tell you: I won it in a contest. Quite a variety of music, some alternative, hip-hop [me, saying hip-hop as a good thing? go figure!], some not-quite techno, and some other stuff I can't quite identify but I like. There's one song that reminds me of Arcadia's "Meet El Presidente".

Once I got home, I got to see the last 30 minutes of Amercian Idol and the announcement of the grand winner, Fantasia [where's your charge of racism now, Sir Elton John? a bogus, irrelevant claim if I ever heard one]. I had no particular favorite this season (I picked Clay from the beginning of the twelve last year). I kind of liked Jon Stevens [no death threats, please] just because he was so different.

Then I watched news on the local Fox station for about fifteen minutes —  way too many horrible accidents the past couple of days.

Then I watched the rest of disc 2 of Invader Zim. Don't like it? [you lie! YOU LIE!] You just haven't seen it, then. I laughed and chuckled and chortled. Then I stopped. Until I started up again, which was usually within just a minute or so. Gir is my favorite. "I love this show." <switch channel> "I love this show." <repeat> I think Invader Zim has taken over Spongebob Squarepants as my current favorite cartoon.

Well, conference call at 9 in the morning. Must get to bed. There's so much to do.

Good night, and God bless.

-jack

P.S.: I didn't forget about writing my thoughts about the morality piece from Switchback, but I did forget what I wanted to say [must be my early-onset Alzheimer's]. I'll have to think about it some more.