Decisions Decisions

I certainly empathize with Paul when he writes about being chief of
sinners, not doing what he wants to do and doing what he doesn't want to.

It seems that on a good day, I might make one good decision out of
twenty. I know I tend to be hard on myself, and it's probably a higher
percentage. But not much higher. Financially, emotionally, physically
(primarily food and exercise), these decisions all seem to just be
wrong, or I have insufficient motivation (food and exercise) to make
better decisions. [I know it'd be healthier, etc., but I don't see that
as imminently better at this point. Loneliness pervades my life, even
when I'm around people, and I don't see that changing.]

The only decisions that I have less (or is that better?) than a horrible
track record concern spiritual decisions. And that's not real good.
Usually the best decision I make here is, "God, I can't do it. Please
help me." But I don't do that nearly often enough.

More on my trip this past weekend to come. I still owe a couple of
posts, I know. I should put a list of "things to come" on the right side
so I can be reminded. :::sigh::: one day...

greens traveler

So, tomorrow morning, way too early in the morning, I'm flying to New Orleans and then going to visit my parents in Mississippi. Wahoo! All involved are excited, except for that whole work thing ;-). But you take the bad with the good, eh? It's been since Christmas that I got to see them, and it would have been until next Christmas before this little trip came up.

Weddings

I went to a wedding last night. It was quite beautiful. Weddings usually are. It was simple, tasteful, and elegant. There were candles—votives, not pillars or tapers—on four or five levels, with a vine of roses intertwined in the stand. Very cool stuff. The ceremony itself was quite short—roughly 15 minutes, the shortest I can recall.

I'm extremely happy for the couple, yet weddings make me sad, very sad indeed. I cannot comprehend opening myself up to anyone, letting them in, being that exposed to someone. Even more than that, I'm barely comfortable that God accepts me fully (a relatively recent development), but to even contemplate that someone might see me as anything more than just some guy who makes you laugh and listens well, well, that is far beyond my limited powers of imagination. I can't imagine letting myself go enough to allow that. I would not be a good husband.

Much like Groucho Marx said about clubs, I would not want to marry someone who would be willing to marry someone like me.

Amazingly Enough

I wrote this last night via email, but it never got through, for whatever reason.

I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, but it's been an extremely long week. I am continuously amazed at how much God shows me of Himself, and how truly lowly I am (not just looking down on myself as worthless).

Saturday

Today, I upheld one vow I made this week: I clipped the cat’s
claws. He was not happy. Until it was all over. Then he loves it. Except
when he tries to run and dig into the carpet to change directions. Oops.

At some point soon, I’m going to write about victimless crimes;
that’s been on my mind the past week or so. Essentially, I
don’t think there is such a thing. Of course, it assumes a
particular moral base in my reasoning.

I went to watch friends bowl tonight, then we went out to eat
afterwards. Such good food; I love Mexican food, even if it’s
Tex-Mex, not “authentic” Mexican food. I’ve hidden
away from people for so long -- it feels good to be around people,
especially friends from church, people who appreciate you and accept you.

I’ve been playing around with Paint Shop Pro lately, trying to do
more with it than I have. It's not Photoshop, but it's not $500+,
either. I’ve truly amazed myself at what I’ve been able to
produce with my limited knowledge. I came up with a really cool logo for
Exodus (the book we're studying Sunday mornings for 13 weeks).
I’ll post it when I’m able to upload pictures someplace.
There are some other nifty things I've done (well, I like ’em
anyway) that I'll post sometime, too.

And I’m off to finish MadTV or watch a movie.

A Resolution

Tuesday night, I went to my weekly Bible study. This cycle, we're
studying Ephesians, and this particular week, we were doing chapter
three. We were kind of circular in the study, touching on subjects two
or three times removed from directly out of the chapter. [I only have a
vague recollection of what we talked about — I know I should have
written this Tuesday night when I got home, but after three hours of
sleep, I could barely stay awake.]

Anywayz, I came to the conclusion that I've exercised no faith
whatsoever in my view of myself, my circumstances, etc. I know that all
the circumstances I find myself in right now are the direct result of my
own bad decisions and sin. My problem in dealing with it is what can I
expect God to do? My own answer is, "Nothing." I've made my bed, and I
must sleep in it. Unfortunately, I've used nails, razors, and shells to
line the bed rather than nice sheets. I feel that I've wasted my life,
and the remaining years I have here will be spent just dealing with the
consequences of my sins and horrible decisions. And I can't expect God
to bail me out. I've only recently come to accept that I'm allowed to be
in the family, that I'm actually welcomed and will get to be at the
banquet table. I certainly don't think I should be removed from the
consequences of what I have done. It just doesn't work that way: nothing
I have read in the Bible tells me any different, and nothing I have seen
in life supports it, either.

And I realized from what we talked about Tuesday night that I need to
let it go, stop beating myself up about it, and just let God work in my
life. It's conceivable God could actually use me or my circumstances,
even if I see no way that He could or would. But isn't that part of what
makes Him God? He works the impossible in our lives.

So, I'm not expecting anything, but I'm open and willing.

Home Sweet Home

This past weekend, I wasted pretty much all my time at home except for prep to teach Bible study Sunday morning (we started Exodus). I accomplished nothing, zero, zilch, nada. My friend, Jason, wrote about his room being a wreck; Jason, my friend, I don't think your one room can hold a candle to any room in my apartment except maybe the guest bathroom (where I have some dishes stored on the counter - don't ask!). I can't get motivated to do much the past couple of years or so. I'm tired of living this way, but I'm not willing to do anything about it to rectify the situation.

Which is the story of my life, pretty much. Much like Paul said about doing the things he didn't want and not doing the things he wanted, this applies to my life in so many ways, not just spiritually. I can make a ton of excuses, but ultimately, I'm just lazy, selfish, and, it seems, incapable of making decent decisions.

Don't know where all that came from. I should delete it, but there is that whole lazy thing to consider ;-)

I got to work a little before nine this morning. I got home just in time to write this and post. In case you can't figure it out, I left work a little before midnight. And I have to be back at work early this morning to prepare to do training at 9:00 a.m. I'm a tired puppy. yowsa.

Ronald Reagan

Just heard the news a few minutes ago about the death of Ronald Reagan, our 40th President, and certainly one of our greatest. It's amazing that they're crediting him with the downfall of communism in the former Soviet Union, (though I am watching Fox) while all these years I've heard journalists and others try to attribute this feat solely to Gorbachev.

Thank you, Mr. President, for your service to your country, for doing the right thing in the midst of strong criticism, and for being a man of integrity. And, most of all, thank you for being a man of God and letting His light shine through you.

Character matters.

Random bits

• Just finished watching Castle in the Sky. Decent film.


• Memorial Day at John's house — Thanks, John! played Tri-Bond (my team won!); sat around and talked. Fun. Sadly, no "Trading Spaces" marathon this year.


• Sunday evening at Jack's house watching Charlie's Angels.


• Made it to Saturnday night church for the first time in several months. Great service, though I'm not too sure about this "fellowship" time beforehand. I'm not too outgoing, and it's difficult for me to go up to meet people on the fly.


• Didn't make it to see The Day After Tomorrow this weekend. Apparently enough of you did for it to take in well over $80MM. I'm only interested in the special effects, not the story. I do like Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhaal (had to look that one up). Oh, and Sela Ward, too!


• Swam this morning. Actually, I rode my bike, but with 110% humidity, it felt like I was swimming. I see collapsing into bed before midnight tonight since I've been awake since 5am.


• listening to Rubicon 7 in the car; wish I could listen to music at work. I think I would be much more productive than playing receptionist every five minutes or so. It's making me jittery, man, jittery, I tell you.

These posts always wind up longer than I intend them to be.