[hey, look, a new design. Blogger provided; I played.]
Wow, there's so much to do: work, movies, dinners with friends, good TV shows, bad TV shows, plans for the future, cleaning up the apartment, stories to write, new skills to attain, new things to learn about, books to read.
And I do almost none of it. I work, and I watch some movies and TV (both the good and the bad). Sometimes, I get together with friends, but not as much as I would like.
I miss (my local) church the way it used to be, and I believe that has as much to do with me as it does with the church. Floundering would be a good description.
I'm a media guy (of my own description), but I don't know what that entails. I'm 46, and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. That's a partial lie: I do know what I would like, but I don't have the foggiest notion how to get there. This might be called a "Paralysis of Options". I have too many things I want to do, so I don't know where to start. Hence, I don't.
Recently, I was encouraged to make some goals. I know how to make goals, and I can help anybody with it, but like most things dealing with me, I have no inkling where to go. I need help, but I don't know exactly what kind, and I wouldn't know what to ask for.
I am tired of defining myself by everything I'm not and everything I can't do. Other than work, though, which I know I'm decent enough at, I don't know what positive things exist about me. My self-view is extremely binary: either I'm perfect, or it's worthless/pointless/irrelevant. How's that for a standard to try to live up to? I'm not sure how to turn that around.
2 comments:
First of all, I am so sorry about your Dad. I can't fathom what it must be like to lose a parent.
I really like the paralysis of options thing. I also have that disorder!! Mind boggling, isn't it?
Don't know how I stumbled upon this blog but this post resonates so closely with me. You aren't alone. I'm 45 and haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up either. I've worked in electronics, construction, as a special effects technician on major motion pictures with big name hollywood stars, a guide at a helicopter skiing resort, and now a computer programmer. Paralysis of options? Yes...
I know only I can change my state of life. But how? I've given up trying to find jobs since no one wants to hire a jack of all trades, specially one who is self taught.
So I just keep doing what I do which is whatever comes along that I can earn a dollar or two at, knowing all along I could have done so much more.
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