A Christmas Missive

I contributed to my DVD horde today by purchasing some Gilmore Girls (I'm not afraid to admit that I like this show) and the two volumes of Warner Bros. Holiday DVD Collection. My, that's a lot of DVDs in my collection. Anyway, I watched the first disc in Volume 1 of the collction, Boys Town (and on the flip side, Men of Boys Town. What a great movie or two. Both of these spoke to something in my heart, but more of that later.

I started watching A Christmas Carol from 1938 with Reginald Owen as Scrooge. And I got to thinking about our life in America today, what our expectations are about things, and all that kind of thing. In particular, about Christmas. I could go on about how commercialized Christmas has become and how we might just as well call it X-Mas for all we don't think about Christ and His birth. (And yes, I know the "x" really does stand for Christ, but in today's world, it's not understood or generally meant as a substitute for Christ). And to be honest, I've played a bit into this commercialism this year, but I do it out of love rather than obligation. ($200 isn't too much to spend on my mother, but don't let her read that! LOL.)

What is Christmas for beside a celebration of the birth of our Savior? I think spending time with family is important. In the past, I've always looked forward to Christmas. This year, though, with the death of my father, I've been dreading these holidays. When I think about it, that he's gone, it truly brings me to tears. And my poor mother, all alone now. She and my father had made plans, well, not so much plans as enjoying being with each other, and they were looking forward to retirement.

Again, I know I'm not the first person to lose a parent, and I'm blessed that he was around for as long as he was. And still, it hurts more than I can tell. As a friend who has passed this way told me, this is not something you can practice for or really even prepare for. You can expect it, but that's it. I know he's out of his suffering, and still it hurts. I can only trust that God will see us all through.

Shakabuku

Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.

This is from my favorite movie ever, Grosse Pointe Blank. It came to mind while pondering this depression that has set in upon me. It rolled in like a wave as I was leaving work last night, and it was all I could do to keep from just breaking down into tears. Nothing in particular and everything was making me sad, both bad and good.

I've never felt the sadness of Christmas before. I've read about it, and I know it's a very real phenomenon for many people. What should be the most joyous of times for people is anything but a chance of seeing any bright side of life; that's why the suicide rate climbs during Christmas-time. For the first time, though, I can sense that deep sense of being on the dark side. Not the hopelessness, but just the awareness that things aren't what they should be, or at least not what I wanted them to be. Which is fueled by my own sense of inadequacy, worthlessness, and irrelevance. It's a twisted mess and self-fueling quagmire.

I have to remind myself that I have friends who love me, my parents love me, that I haven't destroyed my life with all of my bad decisions, that God loves me and has a future and a hope for me, that Jesus Christ gave His very life so that I might live eternally with Him, and that my current circumstances are not the totality of my existence.

But one day, it would be really nice to not have to remind myself of these things, that they are just a part of my life naturally.

Still Alive

It's been a while since I last posted anything. It got kind of boring picking movies I couldn't see. And besides, who reads this anyway? I don't know what any future of this might be. I'd like it to be worthwhile, but also worth my time. And worth anyone else's time that might read it. Not likely any time soon.

My parents bought me a new fancy computer for Christmas. I can finally burn DVDs maybe, and maybe use two monitors (if I buy a new card). I am excited to get going with it. My mother picked up on reluctance about it, as though I were not grateful. But I really didn't want them spending that kind of money on me, first because I don't think they have it (my father promises differently), but second, I don't deserve it. I mean, I owe my parents thousands of dollars, plus what I owe them on my car that was just repaired (that'll take well over a year to pay back). I am so unworthy to be given such consideration in light of these circumstances. Really.

I am greatly humbled.