Blog Slog

So much to write, and I've done nothing. So many things I could talk about, and instead I just waste time watching TV. Not even movies. Just TV. Some things I enjoy immensely: The Simpsons, King of the Hill, Stargate SG-1 (no cable or satellite, so I only see what's in syndication on broadcast TV), Dharma & Greg, Alias. Some things I enjoy quite a bit: Extreme Makeover Home Edition, Arrested Development, America's Funniest Videos, COPS, Keeping Up Appearances, Are You Being Served?, Mad TV. And some things I watch just because they're on in the middle of other things I like to watch: Drew Carey, Malcolm in the Middle (which I've actually grown a little fond of), Last of the Summer Wine (really not very good at all), The Outer Limits (again, in broadcast syndication), whatever show Dame Judy Dench is on.

Last Wednesday, my (local) church started a 26-week program for men called Men's Life. There is finally something for men in the church that doesn't involve taking a day off work to participate. Not that our focus is numbers at all, but:

• 170 men pre-registered
• we estimate 240 men showed up
• 50 pre-made binders for the pre-registered men were not picked up

That tells me that men are hungry for something to tell them their worth, to find their place in this world (thanks, MWS).

I got pulled into a different group than I was originally assigned to: the new group leader knows me pretty well and wants me to sub for him when he's not able to be there. He's taking a class at a university in Scotland, and has to be there two or three times over the course. He's also expecting his second child, a little girl, any day now. And, he's serving as the interim missions minister. He will have his hands full all the way around. Anyway, I know that my being pulled into this group is better for me from an instinctive, spiritual, level. I'm the oldest one in this group by far; I'm the only single one; and they all have or are about to have at least two children. Part of what I must deal with is my own feeling of inferiority, of being somehow less than all other males. This is my big drawback that I let keep me from doing all that I wish or should.

Yet, I must conquer this Goliath in order to move on with my life. I've not been able to do it alone, and I've not had faith enough to allow God to work it out. It wasn't even until this year that I could acknowledge any worth of myself (assigned by God, not inherent worth). To go further than that, though, is a step I've not been able to make.

For me, love is something I've come to accept as a fact of life, a fact that I am loved. People act in ways toward me that are indicative of loving me. Yet, it's not a real thing for me. I'm appreciative of people's efforts, don't get me wrong. But it's more a logical premise than anything deeper. And I've come to the point where I can live with this type of love. And for now, my worth assigned by God is just a fact I accept, not something I truly experience. And I can't settle for that in my life. I must experience this worth as something tangible I can point to in my life, not just one of a long litany of facts about my life.