They're not just for walking on in your house, office, apartment, or
other enclosure.
It seems that I'm really good at seeing my own flaws. Lately, other
people have been interested in pointing out some of my flaws to me, as
though I were somehow unaware of them. I'm so glad people are so
interested in me now that they feel I need to work particularly hard in
these areas. I suppose that I should work on these.
But really, I don't need others to point out my flaws. I'm quite
constantly aware of what I do wrong, what I'm incapable of, and where I
fall far short of any kind of perfection or even adequacy in many areas.
These things are always before me, rarely if ever sinking below the
periphery of my consciousness. As time progresses, the tally on the
negative side grows ever fuller, while the only thing on the positive
side that grows seems to be cobwebs. That's not entirely true, of
course, as the only positive thing I do is lead Bible study Sunday
mornings. But that's not anything about me, and it's all about God. I
merely try to remain open to the Spirit's leading in this. And I guess
that's worth something.
Still, though, I don't know why I can't hold on to anything positive in
my life. Part of it is never having gotten any kind of positive
reinforcement growing up, so much so that the little bit I receive now
is like throwing a drop of gasoline into a 55-gallon vat: it's there but
disappears rather quickly, effectively doing nothing. I can see for
others all the great things about them, but for me... nothing.
I had a whole litany of things related to this, but, alas, the train has
left the tracks.
1 comment:
Jack, I just want to share with you a couple of things. I think you really have something here: you weren't reinforced with the positive from others and now here you are with people who point out your flaws. Its crucial for your own healing to get more people that lift you up then those that drag you down in your inner circle. Hebrews 10:24-25 "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds."
Another encouragement for you is focus more on what you can change today rather than on ALL that needs to be changed. Matt: 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry for itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own." One way I encourage myself with this is a sticker on my monitor that says "One step at a time". It's hard to remember but very important to your own encouragement and grace to give yourself a chance to grow.
Jack, perhaps some of the problem may be really getting down to revealing yourself in intimate relationship so people can know you to speak to deeply to you? There is a plaque that often men find as a friend and that is keeping relationships at a comfortable distance.
A counselor is a great place to start for getting honest, balance and authentic reflection back to yourself.
---Frodo
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