A Resolution

Tuesday night, I went to my weekly Bible study. This cycle, we're
studying Ephesians, and this particular week, we were doing chapter
three. We were kind of circular in the study, touching on subjects two
or three times removed from directly out of the chapter. [I only have a
vague recollection of what we talked about — I know I should have
written this Tuesday night when I got home, but after three hours of
sleep, I could barely stay awake.]

Anywayz, I came to the conclusion that I've exercised no faith
whatsoever in my view of myself, my circumstances, etc. I know that all
the circumstances I find myself in right now are the direct result of my
own bad decisions and sin. My problem in dealing with it is what can I
expect God to do? My own answer is, "Nothing." I've made my bed, and I
must sleep in it. Unfortunately, I've used nails, razors, and shells to
line the bed rather than nice sheets. I feel that I've wasted my life,
and the remaining years I have here will be spent just dealing with the
consequences of my sins and horrible decisions. And I can't expect God
to bail me out. I've only recently come to accept that I'm allowed to be
in the family, that I'm actually welcomed and will get to be at the
banquet table. I certainly don't think I should be removed from the
consequences of what I have done. It just doesn't work that way: nothing
I have read in the Bible tells me any different, and nothing I have seen
in life supports it, either.

And I realized from what we talked about Tuesday night that I need to
let it go, stop beating myself up about it, and just let God work in my
life. It's conceivable God could actually use me or my circumstances,
even if I see no way that He could or would. But isn't that part of what
makes Him God? He works the impossible in our lives.

So, I'm not expecting anything, but I'm open and willing.