You see, pretty much all of my life I've felt that I've had nothing to offer, that I was pretty much useless, unlovable, and irrelevant. After 40 years of that, it's quite difficult to step beyond that set of thoughts. And with Friday came a great confluence of events and thoughts that led me to the "waste" posting. And, what is more, it seemed that nothing was ever going to change.
After thinking about all that was discussed and praying about it, I had a -M-A-J-O-R- -R-E-V-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-. I came to realize that I do indeed have some kind of talents to offer, that I'm not totally useless, and that while I might not be or feel totally relevant, some people seem to enjoy my existence. Once I realized that, then it was almost a natural progression to the -M-A-J-O-R- -R-E-V-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-: while God has granted me gifts and talents, I'm not currently in a position where others can truly appreciate what I have to offer.
You cannot believe how different this is for me to think or accept. I've never managed to have a truly independent thought as to my (positive) worth. I know God considers me of great worth. I can read that and accept that He thinks that of me, but where does that actually intersect with my life? I still don't know, but I know it does intersect. That's a pretty major transition for me!
1 comment:
Jack, thanks for sharing this. I was thinking over what you said in the original post and this one. I have learned that it is not enough for me to read about being loved and valued (even by God), but I have to experience being loved and valued. This is called by Andrew Murray (one of my favorite theological writers) "experiental knowledge".
One of my own long time prayers is "God, I want to learn to be before you and enjoy you and you enjoy me". Kind of a very simplistic prayer but that involves knowing love and value and being known. For me, this has happened by being more vunerable and real not only with God, but with others and myself. About where I've been, where I am, where I want to go. It also involves doing whatever it takes to get that sense of personal power that will bring you to where you want to go.
In The Hobbit, Biblo Baggins imagined he never wanted to leave the comfortable Shire for "adventures". Yet, as soon as he was invited on one, it sparked a desire in him he didn't he had. This happens for all of us. We like comfort zones but there is also something in us that calls us beyond that. In both The Hobbit and LOTR, Bilbo and Frodo were at some point brought beyond the romance of the invitation of adventure(much like our salvation) and committed themselves to doing what it takes to reach their goals to complete the adventure. All that was needed for them to make it "home and back again" was provided even though they didn't see it. The point here in these books that I see is what was provided for them was out there, but they had to do something, risk something, work something to not only find it but "experience" the value of it. They had to go for it and face darkness and stuff. But not without the support of friends and God.
It sounds to me like you are starting to find and see that you have support if you want it. I'm glad you are seeing it is there and I hope you find more. What adventure are you called on? What do you need to reach your goals? Do you know your goals? Some things to think about. Middle Earth here is does still have people and organazations that can help you and support you. Take heart. Don't lose hope. Do what it takes to get where you want to go. You will find provisions along the path ahead.
--Frodo
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